May 24th continued

I broke down again. I felt overwhemed by feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. Like everything has been spiralling down slowly since long ago, and I'm just stuck on this slow path down. Painful, watching all of my happinesses disappear, feeling life get harder by the day, myself declining. That's the worst pain of all. 

I've been through so much pain in my life. So much pain on the daily, even. I make it through maybe because it's a habit to now. I'm stubborn and I refuse to let things as simple as trauma and awful daily anxiety and depression keep me from moving. But I don't know why I even do it sometimes, when things get bad enough. 

Why do I continue to press on? I'm in such a bad moment right now and I know it'll pass and I'll rebuild my word again. But I have to ask myself why I keep going, and what my aim is. Because I can't remember right now. I go through my days feeling like I just need to do this thing, just need to reach the end. But why? What's my ultimate goal? What am I working towards? 

Even if I have decided that I will press on and I won't die, continuing to live like this feelings so meaningless. So lonely. I feel too far gone. Like the person who I am has been blasted to oblivion by all the pain and dissociation. I don't know who I am. I can't remember who I was. I just know that I keep going, and going, and going, and going. I will make it through whatever comes my way, because I'm stubborn. But I don't know why. I can't remember why. 

Such vague reasons like "for myself" aren't holding water. Right now I honestly couldn't care less about myself, and if I were in a better mental state I know I would be horrified about it. I feel I'm in a state of ferment. I'm disappointed in myself. In what I've become. In who I am after so many years of pain and trial. I wanted to be better, but I feel like I'm not yet. Or, I could be better but I just can't tell. I don't know. I can't remember. 

I can't remember. 

I miss you. I miss everyone. Everyone I once knew. I'm sorry I can't go. I'm sorry I have to keep living and feeling like this, feeling like I will forever feel like this. I just want to be happy. I just want someone to love me. I just want to feel safe and secure. Content.