marriage rant, rave, and vent
If you don’t know that I have been feeling so completely defeated and depressed in a marriage of 21 years, read my journal from Friday, February 2. Warning: it's long. In that journal, I told how Tim had planned for us to move, but instead of talking to me, he let me over hear him tell our pastor that we WERE moving. Yeah, that’s how I found out.
Tim is 250 miles away at Bible college. He sent me an email Monday, asking me to send some info to him. He signed off with this paragraph:
This leaving and being gone is harder than it’s ever been. Guess I stayed put too long in one place. It’ll go by quick (for me) but its hard coming back. Never had that problem before. Guess I’ll have to start doing more mission trips to get back in the groove : ) or : (
For some reason, that paragraph just caused me to blow a fuse. I emailed him back, sent him the info he asked for, then signed off with this:
Yeah, you don’t need to stay in one place too long. Maybe when you get through school you should just get an RV so you can live wherever you park.
I don’t know if he ever, EVER, meant to stay in one place for very long
He’s going to let this house that I love fall apart. I have the front door propped closed with a small table. The kitchen door (our main entryway) is sticking and out of whack. The doorknob latch won’t latch at all. The master lock is the only way to latch the door, and that lock is sticking and becoming more and more difficult to lock and unlock. I wonder how much longer it will be before the window start cracking? The day is coming soon when I will be forced to move somewhere.
Tim set me up to find out the hard way that he was planning on us moving. (I use the word “us” loosely. There is no us. There is just Tim. I guess I’m just one of his appendages. Gen. 2:23 bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh.) I guess this house is just another Trojan horse, like the announcement about “us” moving. I guess when this house becomes unlivable, he thinks I will be defeated and become a happy, carefree vagabond and wander the earth with him.
He doesn’t know that I’m already defeated. I don’t know if I even care what we do anymore. He has cut me off and shut me out in the cold for so long that I’ve grown almost completely numb. I think I’m going to be miserable no matter what he does – not that he cares.
In the end, it doesn’t matter anyway. God didn’t make wives so that they could have hopes, dreams, and ambitions of their own. God made wives for the purpose of serving their husbands, like well-trained dogs.
Ephesians 5:22 Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Colossians 3:18 Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won over by the conversation of the wives.
Submit – to yield oneself to another’s desires without resistance
Subjection – (Greek “hupotasso” … a military term meaning to rank under) the act of bringing something under the control of something else
God made wives and dogs both to serve men. I can see two differences between them: 1.) Wives have souls and dogs don’t. 2.) It’s okay for men to have sex with their wives (that is, if they ever want to), but not with their dogs.
Please forgive me if you find offense in my rant. I hope you can understand that I’m having a huge problem just coping right know. I feel like there’s a huge battle going on inside of me, and I have no idea who is fighting or which side is going to win. Grrrrrrrrrr!!!
What do I do???? Do I pray for what I desire; or do I pray to be torn apart, rebuilt, and reprogrammed to my husband's (owner's) specifications? Or, do I just quit?
Tim is 250 miles away at Bible college. He sent me an email Monday, asking me to send some info to him. He signed off with this paragraph:
This leaving and being gone is harder than it’s ever been. Guess I stayed put too long in one place. It’ll go by quick (for me) but its hard coming back. Never had that problem before. Guess I’ll have to start doing more mission trips to get back in the groove : ) or : (
For some reason, that paragraph just caused me to blow a fuse. I emailed him back, sent him the info he asked for, then signed off with this:
Yeah, you don’t need to stay in one place too long. Maybe when you get through school you should just get an RV so you can live wherever you park.
I don’t know if he ever, EVER, meant to stay in one place for very long
He’s going to let this house that I love fall apart. I have the front door propped closed with a small table. The kitchen door (our main entryway) is sticking and out of whack. The doorknob latch won’t latch at all. The master lock is the only way to latch the door, and that lock is sticking and becoming more and more difficult to lock and unlock. I wonder how much longer it will be before the window start cracking? The day is coming soon when I will be forced to move somewhere.
Tim set me up to find out the hard way that he was planning on us moving. (I use the word “us” loosely. There is no us. There is just Tim. I guess I’m just one of his appendages. Gen. 2:23 bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh.) I guess this house is just another Trojan horse, like the announcement about “us” moving. I guess when this house becomes unlivable, he thinks I will be defeated and become a happy, carefree vagabond and wander the earth with him.
He doesn’t know that I’m already defeated. I don’t know if I even care what we do anymore. He has cut me off and shut me out in the cold for so long that I’ve grown almost completely numb. I think I’m going to be miserable no matter what he does – not that he cares.
In the end, it doesn’t matter anyway. God didn’t make wives so that they could have hopes, dreams, and ambitions of their own. God made wives for the purpose of serving their husbands, like well-trained dogs.
Ephesians 5:22 Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Colossians 3:18 Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won over by the conversation of the wives.
Submit – to yield oneself to another’s desires without resistance
Subjection – (Greek “hupotasso” … a military term meaning to rank under) the act of bringing something under the control of something else
God made wives and dogs both to serve men. I can see two differences between them: 1.) Wives have souls and dogs don’t. 2.) It’s okay for men to have sex with their wives (that is, if they ever want to), but not with their dogs.
Please forgive me if you find offense in my rant. I hope you can understand that I’m having a huge problem just coping right know. I feel like there’s a huge battle going on inside of me, and I have no idea who is fighting or which side is going to win. Grrrrrrrrrr!!!
What do I do???? Do I pray for what I desire; or do I pray to be torn apart, rebuilt, and reprogrammed to my husband's (owner's) specifications? Or, do I just quit?
Replies
This man is selfish! I don\'t see the Christianity that he\'s preachin in any of his behaviors towards you. The Apostle Paul was a bit of a chauvinist, methinks. He said it\'s better for a man to marry than to burn....but he recommends that men stay single as he chose to do. Whatever.....I believe that God created women because he knew full well that without us, men didn\'t stand a chance of making it. NOT a chance!!
I totally understand your resentment of your husband\'s \"directing\" your life without your understanding or consent! He is dead wrong in treating you this way! I wonder how he would make out without you! Wonder if he\'s ever thought of that. He seems to be a total narcissist!! Jeepers, I\'m not into name calling, but this man seems oblivious to you, your wants and needs and desires. That does not a good partner make.
Glad you vented. I hear ya loud and clear. He is treating you with no respect and yet preaching the love of Christ. The two don\'t mix.
Practice what ya preach, Tim. Your wife is about to make other plans. Everybody is gonna support her too!! Maybe he should read this, madam Pilot!! xoxo
I\'m with ya! xoxo
Hey, dear girl. The rant was well-deserved. I have a couple of thoughts. As you know the word \"submit\" not only refers to the wife, but to the husband as well as Paul says, \"Submit to one another.\" He also suggests that the husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So, biblically, your husband should be willing to give himself up for you, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Another thought is that the word \"helpmeet\" used to describe Eve is ezer kenegdo which literally means \"sustainer beside him.\" Some have suggested it could be translated as \"lifesaver.\" The word \"ezer\" is used 20 other places in the OT and in every other instance it is used to refer to God Himself. Why am I saying all of this? Partly because I love you and partly because you seem like the kind of girl who likes to know the meaning of words. Now if Adam\'s \"helpmeet\" is supposed to be a lifesaver and if the word usually refers to God, I\'m thinking God never meant for her to be Adam\'s \"assistant.\" Tim would do well to put you in your proper place so that you can do the job you were created to do. All this to say, if you are indignant, that has to tell you something. You would not allow this treatment for your daughter. Just think of her and how much you value her and think, \"God values me more than that. He wants the best for me. He is for me and not against me.\" It may not work right away. It seems you\'ve been beaten over the head with some dishonoring thoughts, but do your best to let it sink deep.
a husband is to honor his wife........when he honors her then she isn\'t unhappy to submit to him..........i don\'t think God means for us to be a slightly taller version of a dogggggy. nope not at all. i\'m crazy tired, so how this comes out is anybody\'s guess, it sounds almost right in my head........
marriage is a partnership, the other day i heard a judge talking about a husband who believed he was very LOGICAL and he felt the problem in his marriage was his wife EMOTIONS. so the judge talked about that, she said that when he got angry, when he just ordered her........he was coming at her from a what???? an EMOTIONAL place, so first he had to check his own situation........if he isn\'t calm and level headed, if he is just more of less forcing his opinions or decisions on her, then it\'s not a marriage. as in it\'s not a marriage when the man says this is the way it is........., i can\'t get it out of my head right tonight..........doggone it. rant away..........get it out, but remember that God created you to be in partnership not just some afterthought. .........Tim needs to get right in his obedience to God and your hubby needs to HEAR you.........I think he\'s losing you........what do YOU WANT........in your heart of hearts what do you want to happen? .........it feels to me that with everything that isn\'t being looked after it\'s as though he\'s not loving you ........that the love is an action and that the action is not in the details........are you on board with his goals? is he on board with yours? love you, i\'d better go to bed, i heard a preacher today and it made me sit up and REALLY listen. it\'s was T D Jakes preaching from Detroit .......and the message was so good. better than any message i\'ve heard in a long l ong time............love you, hugggging you tight good night. r
I know that both of you are right, but how do I get that through my husband\'s thick head? I think that he was a military man (army: 20 years active duty, 4 years National Reserve) for so long, he can\'t get that army mindset out of his system. I spent the first 14 years of our relationship holding down the fort and keeping up with his stuff while he was deployed here and there. 3 days after he asked me to marry him, he went to Saudi Arabia for 4 months. The first full year of our marriage, he was gone for 7 months. I thought that stuff was all over with when he retired from the army and we fixed up this house.
I know I\'m a human, an individual --- not a dog. But he\'s really making me feel like a dog right now. You don\'t talk it over with your dog if your going to move. No, you just put her in the cage in the truck and go!
He had just decided to change churches when I found out about his plan to move -- I overhead him tell the pastor at our new church. The people at this new church are great, but every time I go to church, it really sticks in my craw as a reminder of where I rank with Tim. It pains me to go there. On top of that, I\'m useless at this new church ... there is nothing for me to do besides sit there. At our old church, I taught a Sunday school class, and my husband drove the church van and we picked up kids and brought them to church, and carried them to church related activities. (If I wasn\'t on the van with Tim, the kids were WILD. They didn\'t listen to him!) Now, I\'m useless.
Having a major in mathematics and a minor in secondary education really limits me. I can\'t find a job that I am both qualified for and physically able to do. I can\'t maintain this house alone.
He knows that my family has been here for 8 generations. My entire family, my entire life is here. We have a home and a farm that he wants to toss away. Our home sits on land that has been owned by 6 consecutive generations -- I was hoping that my daughter would be the 7th someday.
To make an understatement, I am very attached to this area of the world. And, HEY!!! take a look around --- not everyone around here has accepted Jesus at their personal savior! If he wants to be a Baptist missionary, there is plenty of work to do right here!!!! There are people who need help in so many ways. Why can\'t we clean up our own back yard???
Thank you both for the encouragement.
I\'m going to continue to fight for my rights to be a human being. I don\'t know how I\'m going to fight, but fight I will. My Papaw always told that there\'s more than one way to skin a cat, and legend says that Daniel Boone could talk a \'coon right out of it\'s skin! So I will sit and think ..... Now how would Papaw and Daniel Boone handle this one ................?
Big thanks to you too, Serce! Apparently we were commenting at the same time and I didn\'t see your comment until I finished!
Dear Nancy, you deserve to be treated with love and respect.So you stand your ground, besides you have no choice, you know you\'re not happy with the unfair conditions of this marriage.Having a female body does not make you spiritually inferior, infact it is spiritual ignorance for a man to consider that he is superior based on his physical body.It is give and take, serving each other, and together serving God.Do you think that God wants you to feel worthless or unloved and to be treated unfairly? God gives us the intelligence to direct our lives.Spiritual values do not support or justify Tim\'s insensitive behavior. You are not here to shut up and serve him and his false ego, or illusion that he is superior and does not have to consider your feelings.I doubt very much that your first husband who you sadly lost, treated you in this manner.You have a lot of good qualities.You give so much to us here on DS.I know you are a devoted mother and give your all to your daughter.You also give so much to the rest of your family, even when you are fighting for energy.You are a devoted Christian also.And hey, pilot, you are a good looking woman too.
So, you deserve to feel loved, adored ,and appreciated for all that you are and give . Don\'t settle for less, besides it is not working for you and you are suffering deeply in your heart.Bring out that self respect and power within ,my friend.This is all happening for a reason, it cannot continue this way.Love to you my friend.
Nancy, everyone who commented before me had such good things to say about Biblical submission that I don\'t have much to add. Tim may be using your desire to follow God\'s Word in the area of submission to force you to do whatever he wants. But that is kind of manipulative, in a way. Tim is commanded by the same Bible to \"love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her...\" Expecting you to deal with everything in the house, and uprooting your entire life without being consulted(or praying about it together!!) is not following Christ\'s example of love. And you are right, there is a mission field right in your back yard. I hope you can sit down with Tim(and maybe a third party) and try to talk over what is really going on here. You deserve to be treated with love and respect!!!!