Marking Time

Dear Fred:
I thought I was once again getting on top of things.  Then the bottom fell out of whatever it was that I was "on top" of.  It wasn't a soft landing either!!
Once again I am climbing out of where ever I went.  I have now volunteered to help one of the humane societies in our area.  I haven't been contacted yet but I will be pro-active and call them if I don't hear back in a few more days.  Even though I have 5 cats at home I am sure I can pet & cuddle a few more while trying for find them homes.
The volunteer work with Hands of Hope Hospice is progressing.  It's going slowly but next week should see some steps forward.  It will be good to actually be doing volunteer work instead of just being on hold waiting for training.  I guess it will all come in time.
The support group Tamara & I have started is still very small.  However, Tamara is feeling a little more comfortable with getting new members and can now see why we need a larger group.  I hope the group will hold together and grow. I am sure it can do a lot of good for those who are widowed and for the community as a whole.  At least I was able to find a Social Worker who would work with the group and a hospice agency that will back it up.  If they will allow me to, I have some ideas as to how to get the word out to other widows & widowers in our area who do not know about the group.  I'll keep my fingers crossed.
I have also joined a book club that meets once a month.  Hopefully that will also give me a healthy social outlet.  I have only attended once but the women there were all very nice and we had a good visit after the meeting ended.
The problem is, no matter what I try I always feel deflated or let down once I have participated.  The hollow empty lonely feelings still seem to fill my entire insides.  I am told if I keep trying different things "in time" it will feel better.  I do hope this is true.  Everyone tells me I am doing great, looking good, etc etc.  Perhaps I am.  I've never been widowed before.  To me it all seems like "surface progress".  Yes, I am joining things now, my hair is washed, I get dressed and before I leave the house put on my "happy face" that hangs by the door.  Inside things still feel very much the same as they did a year ago.
I have the ability to keep fairly busy and do so.  However, the fact that my life with Nick is gone forever still leaves me devastated.  I want to go hiking in the red rock country of Moab.... not be reading a biography of Queen Elizabeth.  I want to be pouring 2 cups of coffee in the mornings... not just one.  I want to  feel the need and purpose to clean house, buy groceries and even cook... instead of knowing that it no longer matters if these things are done or not.  I want to be watching one of our favorite television shows, holding hands with Nick, .... instead of playing a silly computer game all by myself at night.  I want to be able to sit and listen to Nick talk on and on about his computer programming until my eyes glaze over...... instead of listening to a CD on Positive Thinking.
A few weeks ago, a friend told me that when she had heard Nick's cancer had returned she felt jealous of me. She said she was jealous because she knew Nick was going to die and then I would be "free".  I have not seen her since that lunch.   What she doesn't understand about "freedom" is very clearly defined in the old song, "Me & Bobby McGee".  The line in that song that says "Freedom's just another word for nothing else to lose." really sums it all up.
If what life is now is my "new normal"  (and I am NOT referring to the Activia commercials with Jamie Lee Curtis)....  if the is my "new normal"  I am afraid I do not like it very much at all.  It does not feel like actually living life at all.  It is just marking time.
Darlene Newman             4/26/2012