March 6th

It's the final stretch of my last studio project of the quarter. I'm a couple days behind. Sunday is my dad's birthday. 

Exhaustion and burnout is palpable. Besides studio I have other classes to study for and do work for, but I feel I can't take my concentration away for a second. I've also been going through a profound depression this week that makes me slower at working. 

Just a little bit of it makes me feel sick and tired. It really makes me question if this major is right for me. Sometimes it feels so right, and sometimes it feels so wrong. The main reason for the wrong feeling is the amount of work involved, how much I have to give myself away to ensure good design. There's no end to it, never is. And the insecurity of design work, the constant criticism, not having a certain place to stop or a definite thing to aim towards. It's all so tiring. All so painful. 

But the pull of design work is also there. The ideal. It almost makes the torture worth it. But I can't make an accurate judgement right now when coming down from such painful feelings and burnout. 

I know part of the reason I want to stay with it is the security- it's a definite life path, one my parents agree with, one that I could see myself going down. I don't even know what else I would choose if I had to choose. And if I did, I'm afraid of fighting against my parent's will and the iron law of their control over my tuition. I've reasoned that people who graduate as architects often go into many other fields and can also choose to specialize in something specific- something I could be more interested in. These things are true. I feel as if I just don't know enough about the field to make an accurate judgement. And Zoom is not helping.. both teachers I've had so far are as vague as trying to see through milk and as stress inducing as watching Mufasa's death scene. 

It makes sense to go down this path. It fits with what I think I want - to help people through creativity and design, yet subtly conflicts with other things, parts of me that I think are growing away from my past ideals. I either need to reclaim them and my current desire to keep doing this, or do something else. Or accept that I'll do this and not be entirely happy with it, at least for now in school. 

I just wish I weren't so tired all the time. I need time to find myself. What with being shoved into school, more school over summer, and then internships and the workforce, I worry that I'll never have time to just sit down and think about who I am and what I truly want to be. 

The one thing I know I want to do is draw. I know I can't make a living off of that though. I keep up the hobby nowadays in the face of all of this daunting work.