March 2013

I feel like I repeat the same thing over and over to everyone that I tell but it never does anything for me. I hate ECT for me it took my life, it's not fair watching everyone else remember what we do daily and celebrate and me not remember anything. I hate reading what I did or looking at pictures and knowing that's my life but not remembering it. Why is it that what I do remember is horrible and I can't remember anything good or anyone important. I feel trapped in my head everyday all day and I have the urge to smash my head in to make the pain stop. The more I try the more I realize how little I know. I remember being a kid in Seneca with my grandma but when she passes and I can't go visit her or her house I know that will go to. Just like on my dad's side all I know is my grandparents but not memories and soon I won't even have my grandparents to help me remember. My mom sure doesn't try or want to nor does anyone in my family. I know I threw my dad a 60's bday in DECEMBER because I keep being told it was good. Well I'm glad I don't remember. I wish my brain could just work the way it is supposed to.