March 19th Khristy\'s Angel Date
Well this will be the third year of my grief. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. I try hard to think of the positive things we did together. That helps I know there are a lot more positve things that we done but my mind seem to not remember them all. My daughter started having behavior problems at the age of 12 as far as I can remember and it seems that I can't remember many things before that, because I was always trying to deal with what she had done that week. It is kind of strange that your mind remembers the hard times you went through with your children. She was sexually molested by her uncle when she was that age (12) She didn't tell me until many years later. I think that was the beginning of her down fall into drugs and alcohol, becaue that it when she started misbehaving. Like sneaking out at nights, stealing things, getting into fights,skipping school just seemed like it was something every week with her. When things got bad at home(which we lived in Idaho at the time) she wanted to go live with her grandmother then went thing s got bad there she wanted to come back and live with. I let her yo yo like that because I didn't know what else to do. She met her first husband while she was living with my mom. She ended you being pregnant. Which I told her she really didn't have to marry him because I just had this feeling that this guy wasn;t good for her, but she married him anyway. Didn't last long she had an affair got pregnant by that person got a divorce from him and ended up marrying the guy she had a affair with. They were married for a long time. But her first husband was hte asshole I thought he was. He kept my grand child anyway from me and all my family because he was taking it out on us what Khristy did to him. That's when I think she became more involved with drugs when she lost custody of her first child or maybe she was into drugs before that because she lived 200 miles away and I didn't ge to visit as much as I would have liked because I worked. Khristy was a good child up until she was 12. Good in school, she even was a cheerleader at one time, was thinking of becoming a nurse. Fun to be with.... Maybe when I divorced her father when she was 10 actually started everything. I just don't know. After divorcing her father he didn't have anything to do with his kids so maybe a combination of things. That is what I am going through on this 3 anniversary of her death. the thoughts going through my head. I think talking to her second husband when I go back to Kentucky for a visit might clear up somethings in my head. I just hopes he has the time to want to talk to me about all of this. I know it won't clear up somethings but at least I will kind of get the idea of when she started on drugs.....Does this really matter???? What is done is done she is dead and by me knowing is not going to bring her back. I had a dream last week I can't remember all of it but I know me and Khristy was having so much fun and we were looking at ppl taking drugs and I said thank God your not and she was telling me so many ppl die because of them and I said thank god you didn't go that way. Then realized she was dead and started screaming. We all that have loss a child struggle to come with the terms of coping with the loss. I haven't found the way to cope as of yet and really don't think I every will, there will always be questions to ask and not answers to them. Right now I find mself getting mad all over again for her dying. Not at her ,not at me ,not at God just don't know what I am mad about. The fact that my daughter is dead....... Khristy Annette, I remember picking this name special for you. I knew that I wanted to spell Khristy different because I wanted you to stand out annette went well with Khristy and it was after the annette that was on Micky Mouse club house. You grew into a beautiful woman. I don't think you realized how pretty you were. I think of you every day and miss you so much. As a baby you were the best little girl no getting your days and nights mixed up just perfect for a mother of 19 that didn't have a clue...I love you
Replies
I will always be here for you. I am not even into 4 months of this horrible journey. I think I am still in disbelief. I want my son. However, whenever you want to talk or vent I am here.
Love Belinda
Well for me I am almost 6 years into my youngest sons death,(Paul) but only 1 yr. and 3 months into my oldests sons.(Steven) Plus my step daughter\'s right after Steven\'s deat. I stay kind of mixed up in between it all. With Paul the first year was so full of shock and confusion and pain! The second years was worse because the reality set in, and the longing for him. Now to start all oven and to be a Mother with no living children, I struggle daily with what to do for the rest of my life. My kids were my life. Now I have to live without them. Both are gone. I still have James and my grand children to live for and to go on for. I also believe in God, and I know he has placed this on me for a reason I have yet to figure out. The closest thing I have to an answer, is that some Moms on DS have thanked me for sharing my story. I only have more questions, and more grief, but go on we will, in memory of our children. You just know that none of us have any directions on how to raise a child. We do what we think is right then. That is all any parent can do. I am sure of the love you had for your daughter, and I am sure she loved you as much. Love,Peggy
Cindy,
All angel dates are difficult and so many things go through our minds. We revisit the life of our children and with that comes more questions and what if\'s???? If we are looking for answers it is more difficul for I don\'t believe we will ever be told things to truly satisfy us ...how can there be answers to justify our children being gone.
Hugs, Inga
I\'m heading into my third year as well and I hear you the questions never seem to be answered. I find the anger is boiling just below the surface with me and I\'m not sure what I\'m mad at either. Maybe just where we are at present. I wish we could get a definitive answer but I suspect that won\'t happen. Know you are not alone. Love and hugs Cathy