Many steps back
My Ex has her New Guy over to the house all the time now, and someone just brought it to my attention that she just ordered his and hers Breaking Benjamin T-Shirts for them. I had to reinforce that I don't want any more news about them, but the damage was done. For some reason, I'm struggling today with detaching and looking forward. Instead, I'm thinking about how quickly I was completely replaced and how easy it was for her to be with me one day, and with him virtually the next day, and how fast they apparently moved to a sexual relationship. Today I am stuck there. I need to stop thinking about them and plan my future, but I'm in hell today and can't shut it off.
I don't get to see my son this weekend, and my plans for kayaking with a friend just fell through a minute ago. I now have no plans for the weekend. I haven't slept more than a couple hours a night all week, and I'm utterly exhausted. Maybe I'll just go home and sleep through the weekend. At least if I can fall asleep, I won't feel the hurt for a little bit.
I did okay during the week, though it has been a wild roller-coaster ride. She accidentally butt dialed me and I had a voice mail of her talking with him on Wednesday. I've lost all my progress and today have lost my will to keep afloat. I haven't felt this badly since the day she told me she wanted him, and in fact I think I actually feel even worse today for some reason. I can barely breathe. Man is it bad. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I think I would if not for my son.
I don't get to see my son this weekend, and my plans for kayaking with a friend just fell through a minute ago. I now have no plans for the weekend. I haven't slept more than a couple hours a night all week, and I'm utterly exhausted. Maybe I'll just go home and sleep through the weekend. At least if I can fall asleep, I won't feel the hurt for a little bit.
I did okay during the week, though it has been a wild roller-coaster ride. She accidentally butt dialed me and I had a voice mail of her talking with him on Wednesday. I've lost all my progress and today have lost my will to keep afloat. I haven't felt this badly since the day she told me she wanted him, and in fact I think I actually feel even worse today for some reason. I can barely breathe. Man is it bad. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I think I would if not for my son.
Replies
I\'m sorry you are going through this. It just sucks all around. However, crawling in a hole and dying is not an option!!! Consider getting angry and holding onto that for a while. Excuse my French but FUCK HER! It\'s time to stop being the chump! You are doing great with the no contact effort but add anger to that. Not that you act on that anger, but use it to put your mind on something else than doom, despair, misery, etc. I can only talk from my experience but it\'s been over a year when the \"I\'m not happy\" statement was made, about one year when I found out she was cheating, and 5 months since we separated. It wasn\'t until I just gave in to my anger where I actually was able to channel my energy elsewhere. I was a HUGE chump during this whole mess and that\'s what helped me get pissed off. I\'m not an angry person and don\'t like to hold onto it but it sure helped. I still use it from time to time when I think of her at some point introducing the downgrade to my kids or if I ever see the two of them together. It\'s not that I want her back; it\'s the shit that she put me through and all that hurt that is sometimes still raw and seeing her with the cheating bastard is going to remind of that hurt so FUCK THEM! Obviously this is easier said than done but as the emperor from Star Wars says...\"use your anger, give in to the dark side.\" It\'s time she sees another side of you. Listen to \"Walk\" by the Foo Fighters. Put it on real loud!!!!
Thanks @whatthe321. I was starting to allow myself to feel the anger, especially thinking back to her f\'ing lingerie purchase for that first trip to FL, telling me she was in love with him, then changing her story when she got back. Now she\'s banging the new guy that she supposedly just started dating the week she told me she loved me and resumed sex with me. And, I now know for sure he is there all the time with my 11 yo son. I was better not knowing.
However, today all the wind went out of my sails. I don\'t know why. It all came together and hit me like a ton of bricks and I\'m so very tired. I know I need to get angry for a bit, and I know I need to focus on me and my son and move forward. Today though, I just can\'t see past the pain and I\'m just too exhausted. I\'m just done.
I do appreciate the words of encouragement. I just got home and I\'ll find Walk on YouTube and give it a listen.
I\'m with whatthe321. Yet even though I am often able to muster up the anger regarding stbx, I still have the pain/sadness there too. It waxes and wanes.
LNF3, she\'s horrible. My damn stbx cheated on me for two fucking years, lying to me and being passive-aggressively mean along the way. I mean, you would think if you\'re cheating on your spouse you might feel some guilt/remorse and treat them nicely. NO! And your ex seems equally as bad, and in some ways worse. These are people who are really toxic. Perhaps they are suffering mental health issues of their own (I think my stbx is dealing with some kind of crap) but it still doesn\'t justify the way they shit all over US.
You just have to see her as the horrible person she is. I am working on it too. Talked to counselor yesterday about how I spend too much time dwelling on all this shit. She had a couple decent suggestions. One of course is to try to immerse yourself in your hobbies. But another - write down some statements which your logical brain knows but your emotional side has not yet accepted - ways in which you will be better off without the ex. Optimistic statements about your future. About future relationships and leaving a lot of the dysfunction behind. About having more freedom, about trying new things, about your own worth as a person, etc. They need to be realistic statements. And then re-read this list whenever you start getting into a negative thought pattern. Put it in your wallet or on your phone. I have yet to do this but it\'s a project for the next couple days for me.
Good luck. If you want more angry music, well I\'m an old school metalhead (with a lot of other musical tastes; guitarist here) but I can recommend some VERY angry and aggressive music if it helps :). I have an 85-pound heavy bag in the basement and a couple times a week when I am home (and bitch is at work) I throw it around and beat the crap out of it. It is cathartic, at least a little.
Anger is better than despair. You\'ve been abused, man.