Mantra
"Stop mind-reading in order to avoid feeling pain." I've been asking the wrong question of myself. It is "How do you feel?" NOT "Why do you feel?" The the statement is "I feel unhappy", NOT "I feel unhappy because ...". It seems I was taught I must 'justify my feelings' in order to have them. If I couldn't justify them it, was 'wrong' to have them. I was being "bad" if I could not explain my feelings. "I" was bad, not my feelings. If how I feel upsets someone else, it must be 'fixed'. Just like here on DS, where I feel I must apologise if expressing my feelings in my Journal disturbs my Friends. What was happening is that I was being falsely taught that I was hurting someone else's feelings by having, and/or expressing, my own. So that if I cannot explain Why I have my feelings, I cannot have them. It's so simple: Stop feeling the need to justify WHY I feel how I feel. Feel better? (Have a nice day, in traditional Chinese)
Replies
It\'s your journal. Write what you want! :)
Crap! and \'click\' and Duh!
You want to know how codependent I am? (\"Yes, Richard, tell us.\") If the above is true, I am so codependent that I avoid writing my Resume\' because...\"I feel so unhappy about my past that I want to spare anyone else\'s feelings of the pain of having to read about it.\" And if I lie about my past, I want to spare them the feeling of being fooled.
The same with women; I want to protect them from feeling bad for having to reject me.
I\'m thinking I need to change that thinking.
Focus on the pots... they are quite interesting.
Life without feelings is not life.
It\'s a robots life is what it is, are you a robot?
No! I feel, therefore, I AM!
The pots.
I bought the pots because I felt love for their uniqueness.
I love my wife, son, family, and Friends for their uniqueness.
Now I will love myself for that very same reason.
:)
! You do have a richheart and rich thoughts. To me, it is not a bad thing. You are very honest which is a very valuable quality we treasure. Again, find something that you enjoy and agrees with your life value, instead of going with \"society flow...\" In your deep heart, you know what you really enjoy. Focus, focus, focus. As mgs mentioned, physical exercise does wonders. Jogging, yoga... Once you try, you will feel so much better, not only physically, but also mentally.
Speaking of mind reading, I think everyone does it, just to different extent. For example, if a person shows you a cold face out of nowhere, you thought he/she might have a bad day, or he/she is occupied by his/her own thoughts, as simple as that. Or you thought you might offend he/she in some way that you were not aware. I\'d rather choose the first assumption(I am trying very hard working on it too) because 1. I know I did not offend he/her, 2. It is his/her own job to take charge of how he/she feel. I cannot change it. Carry on as usual, as friendly as usual... Certain things cannot be taken too personally...
(take care)!
Rich... I think I\'ve known you - via cyperspace for a long time.....
Regarding EMDR... here is where I think your focus on negative feelings came from AND that you label them incorrectly.
I believe your mother - bless her soul - had an affliction similar to munchousen by proxy. She was not able to get the attention she wanted from your dad and perhaps others like she wanted and there for she was getting in by proxy through you and your illnesses. Primarily your allergies. At an early age you learned the reward (attention) came from feeling bad. Though the discussion and attention was in fact based on \"how are you feeling\" She did not want to hear, nor did she want the doctors to hear - \"you were feeling great.\" (no more attention, no more drama) I suspicion you quickly learned to focus on the negative feelings to find favor with your mother. You have therefore been programed not only to focus on the negative, but also that you are so different, you don\'t, won\'t and can\'t measure up to others.
You have been programmed t dislike whatever it is you are doing or feeling.
Chew on that... I think it\'s a start for EMDR.
For those on here who wonder what EMDR is... Eye movement Rapid desensitization and reprogramming. (It is amazing therapy which is generally used to get over trauma, PTSD, sorrow, confused interpretations, etc. Works within 2-4 sessions)
I thought I had written this down, so remind me if I have: I am \'wrong\' because I allowed myself to be born with allergies. I was punished for letting myself be born with allergies by getting 21 \'shots\' a week with sharp, painful, needles. Therefore I deserve feeling punished and feeling bad about myself because I let myself get born with allergies that needed to be corrected. I think that\'s how some of this feeling was put in place. Goofy, except it\'s how a child\'s mind works.
I think you\'re right about the mom-thing. We do the things we do for the rewards. Needing attention (Social needs) and getting attention through negative activities still gets rewarded with attention. It\'s Pavlovian. PR people make a point to get their client\'s name in the media, good or bad; it\'s getting the attention that is the reward, not the context that it\'s gotten in. Same thing.
I love you guys!
Okay Greenteam, write out how the words sound. How does \"\" sound? Do your best, anything will do for a start. Hugs
Also, it\'s not Mind-Reading; it\'s feeling-reading, enmeshment of feelings, sympathy, Co-feeling, predictive co-feeling, presumptive co-feeling. Mind-reading is more about thoughts than feelings. My focus (the habit I\'m giving up) is on feelings, not thoughts. Avoiding negative feelings for others.
?
( bao Zhong):)!
Thank you (Is that Shu-shu?)