Mania Ended
Came down from the mania and into depression as usual. I started to feel tired on Sunday finally and slept for about 14 hours straight. Woke up with a feeling of doom, but that is sort of me any day of the week, so I think I am back to normal.
The PDoc, of course, was nervous about letting me go. It took some convincing, but going to ER is just a warehousing option for 3-4 days, and there is also that fear that they will want to keep me longer. This is a significant inconvenience for my wife, and I would lose my job. The PDoc gave me his cell and home phone to call if I need help. I would never call and bother him. My state doesn't matter, but how getting locked up would affect them. If I am going to harm myself, then I will. Hard to explain, but the telling my wife I'm in the ER is more painful than doing something stupid (like trying to buy a car).
The next is guilt. I did things without regard to consequence. Many actions and I have repeated these actions a couple of times a year. Any help on getting rid of the guilt, without destroying my life.
I see the TDoc on Thur and the PDoc on Fri. I am still so screwed up. I don't know where to turn and what will happen next. Sort of like living on a tightrope with no net.
Replies
Big hug for you Thor..... It sounds like you're stigmatizing yourself...… You aren't playing a game..... You have an illness so why the guilt??
If you can I would look into joining a real life Bipolar Disorder assoc or group... I think that they have MeetUp's for BP disorder
Would you feel guilt if you had a heart attack and had to go to the hospital or if you had diabetes and needed ongoing treatment??
This is a real illness that needs real treatment..... I would discuss with your therapist how much you're beating yourself up due to stigma and how it's holding you back...... It could help you to work this out
I was in a group for a year and it helped tremendously...…. Stigma lies to us.... It's not what's true at all and it can hurt a great deal
I'm glad that you're starting to feel better..... These are times for baby steps..... Small steps in the right direction
It's great that you're here..... There is no shame in having our disorder Thor..... Do you think that I should be ashamed of myself??…. I don't think that you do...….. Well neither do you...….
Another gentle hug......xo
100% agree with Jan. I think your still carrying the "closeted" ideals of the Military into your Civilian life, your not letting yourself believe that there is a difference, that Pdocs and Tdocs can and are willing to actually "help" you, if you let them.
In Civilian life it's not unusual for Good Pdocs to give out their personal numbers, I have my Pdocs, home number/cell number, etc. I can contact him 24/7....because doing so means I won't have to go to the ER.... If I get in a rough spot...and I do a couple times a year, he can help me out of it without having to go to the ER...until I can get to an appointment and see him in person.
Their goal is not to "warehouse you" in an ER or hospital, they really do want to help you gain stability and learn ways to help yourself....but you have to let them. Until you do that, they're stuck.
There is no shame in having an illness medical or psychological and there is no shame in getting the help you need to manage it. I don't think you'll see any of us apologizing for that which we were given.....fighting to kick its ass...yep.
Your words ring true, but I am not sure if I can change. The military has been with me for 50 years, and all of society is geared against those with mental illness. There is no evidence, and those around you blame you for being mentally deficient or "off your meds" when they want to hurt you.
I still feel shame for getting this, like it is a punishment for previous sins. Everyone around me fought to persuade me that I didn't have this illness. To date, my parents never speak of this. My wife acknowledges what I have, but that is about it. No support. I feel shame for what I do when I am in mania. I have gone outside the marriage while in mania. I have driven unsafely (90+), tried to spend frivolously, picked fights,... Are these sins forgivable? Forgiveness requires contrition and an effort not to fall again, but I will do the same again as soon as I am in mania. I can not control what is happening, and I do without thinking, but consequences have occurred during my mania, and I live in fear of hurting someone.
So shame from within and without and little chance it will ever change.