Man Break....seriously!
Day 0 of 365 – Man Break
Having witnessed the one-year man break anniversary of a dear mentor, Susy, yesterday while simultaneously starting to read “How to Spot A Dangerous Man” and getting some good advice from Pageo I have decided that if I want to achieve what I want to achieve I have to put in some long-term consistent effort and have therefore decided to go on a one year man break myself starting tomorrow, April 15, 2010. This is my goal. No excuses. I have made this goal before and failed so I intend to write about my experiences (and struggles) each day here on DS. I think this will also help me to recognize and analyze things before acting impulsively. (I put this in printing so I cannot cheat).
So before I get started I need to list some of my fears up front so I can be prepared:
1. A year. That’s a long time. Even the thought of it fills me with sheer panic. Do you know all the things that can happen in a year? A baby can be gestated and born. My kids will get taller. The seasons will change. I could get a raise. I should get my oil changed eight times. I will turn 40. A year is a long time. Worth it - but a long time.
2. I am a non-finisher. I start projects and goals with a gusto that would rival Martha Stewart but I always get bored halfway through and things just seem to trickle to a halt until such time as I get motivated again and the cycle repeats itself. Needless to say things rarely get finished this way. The excitement of a new project is what gets me going. Something to look forward to. Something to pump me up. Boredom and routine kill me. I have to figure out why and work my way through it.
3. I am turning 40 this year. I am inching closer and closer to the lady with six cats who everyone feels sorry for and whispers behind her back “She just never found anyone. It’s soooo sad. At least she has her cats” (which more depressingly still I won’t be able to have cats because my kids are allergic so it may be turtles or something). I can’t even pretend I’m young anymore. It feels like time is running out, which means if take a year off I will get older and not as appealing and then I really will end up old and alone. And I can totally give up on my dream that there might just be a slight chance I would meet the man of my dreams, marry him and still have time for another baby. My biological clock isn’t tick anymore – it’s run out of batteries!
4. What if the most beautiful, gorgeous, healthy, amazing, rich man comes up to me and wants to date me? (Not that this has EVER happened to me but a girl can dream right – well maybe that’s part of my problem) Will I be able to say no? How will I stop myself from coming up with a myriad of clever excuses to justify hanging out with a man without actually being in a relationship? How will I stay strong?
5. A year without affection and sex. Impossible I say! I know it’s not but for most of my dating life it has been series of relationship after relationship without much downtime in between. I know I can live, I did it for 20 years before being sexually active but it was always such a BIG part of my life and relationships. But if nuns can do it so can I right? Right?
6. I hate explaining it. People are forever trying to set me up or asking me “so anyone new in your life”. My co-workers are all happily in relationships with the mini-van, the picket fence and the 2.5 kids or grandkids. I feel like an alien. An outcast. I feel those stares that say “I wonder what is wrong with her that she can’t find someone”. No invitations are extend to the “single mother”. The pressure of not being in relationship is already intense. I can’t imagine the scrutiny I am going to undergo when people find out I don’t WANT to date. And it feels hollow saying “I’m just not ready to date right now” when sometimes I don’t even believe it myself!
7. I sometimes feel compelled to find a father for my children. I have been raising them on my own for 10 years now and my son is showing that neediness for a positive male figure. Their own father, who was sporadic at best with visits, out and out abandoned them over a year ago and they haven’t seen him since. Can they be healthy growing up with me alone? I feel as if I have failed them by not providing them with what other children have.
8. It means I will be for real on my own. I’m not sure why this bothers me because I have been on my own really for 10 years. I have been dating and in relationships but those only caused more stress and trouble instead of relieving some of the burden of raising two children emotionally and financially. When I am stressed out and overwhelmed and lonely I always go to that fantasy where if there was just someone else to help out things would better.
9. I already took an eight month hiatus off dating before and the minute I went back I was right back where I left off. I'm scared I'll never get it right. I'm not sure how to change things in a way that will change my life and how will I know when I've succeeded?
What I want – what I REALLY want is to get better. I want to be fine with myself and really mean it not just say it. I want to be a good role model for my children. I don’t want to be stressed and depressed and angry and messed up all the time. I want to prove to myself that I can start and finish something. I don’t want to cling onto some man to mask what is truly wrong on the inside. I want a healthy relationship. I have never been in one and have no idea what that even looks like but I want to one day have the experience of being in one. I want to stop feeling like a failure because I can't get a relationship right. I want most of all to stop letting MYSELF down.
Having witnessed the one-year man break anniversary of a dear mentor, Susy, yesterday while simultaneously starting to read “How to Spot A Dangerous Man” and getting some good advice from Pageo I have decided that if I want to achieve what I want to achieve I have to put in some long-term consistent effort and have therefore decided to go on a one year man break myself starting tomorrow, April 15, 2010. This is my goal. No excuses. I have made this goal before and failed so I intend to write about my experiences (and struggles) each day here on DS. I think this will also help me to recognize and analyze things before acting impulsively. (I put this in printing so I cannot cheat).
So before I get started I need to list some of my fears up front so I can be prepared:
1. A year. That’s a long time. Even the thought of it fills me with sheer panic. Do you know all the things that can happen in a year? A baby can be gestated and born. My kids will get taller. The seasons will change. I could get a raise. I should get my oil changed eight times. I will turn 40. A year is a long time. Worth it - but a long time.
2. I am a non-finisher. I start projects and goals with a gusto that would rival Martha Stewart but I always get bored halfway through and things just seem to trickle to a halt until such time as I get motivated again and the cycle repeats itself. Needless to say things rarely get finished this way. The excitement of a new project is what gets me going. Something to look forward to. Something to pump me up. Boredom and routine kill me. I have to figure out why and work my way through it.
3. I am turning 40 this year. I am inching closer and closer to the lady with six cats who everyone feels sorry for and whispers behind her back “She just never found anyone. It’s soooo sad. At least she has her cats” (which more depressingly still I won’t be able to have cats because my kids are allergic so it may be turtles or something). I can’t even pretend I’m young anymore. It feels like time is running out, which means if take a year off I will get older and not as appealing and then I really will end up old and alone. And I can totally give up on my dream that there might just be a slight chance I would meet the man of my dreams, marry him and still have time for another baby. My biological clock isn’t tick anymore – it’s run out of batteries!
4. What if the most beautiful, gorgeous, healthy, amazing, rich man comes up to me and wants to date me? (Not that this has EVER happened to me but a girl can dream right – well maybe that’s part of my problem) Will I be able to say no? How will I stop myself from coming up with a myriad of clever excuses to justify hanging out with a man without actually being in a relationship? How will I stay strong?
5. A year without affection and sex. Impossible I say! I know it’s not but for most of my dating life it has been series of relationship after relationship without much downtime in between. I know I can live, I did it for 20 years before being sexually active but it was always such a BIG part of my life and relationships. But if nuns can do it so can I right? Right?
6. I hate explaining it. People are forever trying to set me up or asking me “so anyone new in your life”. My co-workers are all happily in relationships with the mini-van, the picket fence and the 2.5 kids or grandkids. I feel like an alien. An outcast. I feel those stares that say “I wonder what is wrong with her that she can’t find someone”. No invitations are extend to the “single mother”. The pressure of not being in relationship is already intense. I can’t imagine the scrutiny I am going to undergo when people find out I don’t WANT to date. And it feels hollow saying “I’m just not ready to date right now” when sometimes I don’t even believe it myself!
7. I sometimes feel compelled to find a father for my children. I have been raising them on my own for 10 years now and my son is showing that neediness for a positive male figure. Their own father, who was sporadic at best with visits, out and out abandoned them over a year ago and they haven’t seen him since. Can they be healthy growing up with me alone? I feel as if I have failed them by not providing them with what other children have.
8. It means I will be for real on my own. I’m not sure why this bothers me because I have been on my own really for 10 years. I have been dating and in relationships but those only caused more stress and trouble instead of relieving some of the burden of raising two children emotionally and financially. When I am stressed out and overwhelmed and lonely I always go to that fantasy where if there was just someone else to help out things would better.
9. I already took an eight month hiatus off dating before and the minute I went back I was right back where I left off. I'm scared I'll never get it right. I'm not sure how to change things in a way that will change my life and how will I know when I've succeeded?
What I want – what I REALLY want is to get better. I want to be fine with myself and really mean it not just say it. I want to be a good role model for my children. I don’t want to be stressed and depressed and angry and messed up all the time. I want to prove to myself that I can start and finish something. I don’t want to cling onto some man to mask what is truly wrong on the inside. I want a healthy relationship. I have never been in one and have no idea what that even looks like but I want to one day have the experience of being in one. I want to stop feeling like a failure because I can't get a relationship right. I want most of all to stop letting MYSELF down.
Replies
Yay! Good for you! You can do this. It is only difficult for the first few months. I have been on a man break for a yr and a half. I have been on dates, dinners, movies, conversation, but absolutely nothing physical outside of hugging, and no flirting on my part. It\'s not as bad as it seems. I don\'t know if I can ever go back to putting up w/ a man after this.
Can I ask you a question? Did you change during that time? Do you think you could really spot a bad man now?
I am super proud of this JE. Erin just shared with me that she went to lunch with a friend that is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober 5 years. Erin asked her how she did and her freind said: Erin, I am only worried about staying sober TODAY. Tomorrow can take care of it self.
It appears that most of the things you are worried about are WHAT IF\'s. What if this happens, what if that happens. Worry about them when they come and take your new pledge one day at a time.
I know you can do it. I have ZERO doubts!!!
I know you asked AS that question, but as for me, I am simply going to honor my instinicts which told me xn was TROUBLE from the 3rd date.
Here is a JE I wrote about it on WoN. The guy that wrote: The gift of fear was on Oprah today, but I missed it:
http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php/topic,6697.0.html
Yes, absolutely! I did a lot of reading and spent a lot of time on DS that 1st yr. Have cut back in recent months. The 1st guy I dated since leaving last ex was same as exes, NPD, passive aggressive, player, etc. I was in denial. Thought he was \'the one\', ignored red flags (huge ones like the fact that he was still married, still trying to make it work w/ her, while going on dating sites, and dating me and other women). I thought that I was just magically cured from reading some books. He was my 1st practice man. It was about 6 months after my ex. I became completely addicted to him and it was unbearably miserable to put up w/ his games and other women. I pitied HIM instead of us women he was playing. I played out the exact same role as I always had. Finally I walked away after a couple months of letting him string me along (nothing physical happened between us). 2 months felt like forever but it was considerable progress compared to previous \'relationships\'. I had even rejected his idea of me being his gf (and that took incredible strength on my part, but wouldn\'t do it till he got a divorce, he hadn\'t even filed for one!). It was a really painful ordeal. But since him, I haven\'t. Had anymore addictions to men. It\'s been about a yr since him. I have dated a handful or so of men, again, nothing physical. I was able to spot big red flags on all of them and walk away w/o feeling guilty or needy. I literally lost all desire to put up w/ their crap. I don\'t need that anymore. I don\'t have the patience. I am sooooo much healthier now. Can\'t even describe it. I don\'t cling to anyone who shows me attn. I know I deserve a great man and am holding out for one. Over the past yr I have noticed steady progress in the emotional health of the men I attract. They got less and less crazy, fewer red flags. It was exhausting going thru so many screwed up men along the way, I thought it\'d never end. But finally I started encountering pretty healthy men in the last few months. I am not clingy at all. I\'m very independent now. If they don\'t call or contact me all day, I don\'t even notice. I don\'t feel obligated to get involved. I have a couple men lately that I\'ve gone on several dates w/. They don\'t treat me like a sex object, they are respectful, they pay for every date, they don\'t expect anything afterward. I give them a hug, that\'s it. One of them has shown not one single red flag, and its been a few months. The other might have minor red flags, I\'m still trying to determine. If you look at my journals for the past couple yrs, especially since leaving ex nov 08, you can see how much I\'ve changed. You can do this. It will be ok. Just the first few months is tough. After that u will be so much stronger.
Thank you AS ...that is so helpful! I am one of those people who want this done and done fast but I finally realize this is not going to happen. I think a year off just to educate myself, go through past relationships to see where I went wrong and to just immerse myself in me is what I really need to do. I am still clingy and needy when I meet men and I am still preoccupied with them. I really feel good when I\'m not dating because I\'m not trying to please anyone, or change anyone or chase anyone and there is no pressure and drama and analyzing. I see now that you took a lot of time to make the progress you did and I am encouraged.
Susy - I went on the site about the red flags and I wrote more about in my journal of today which I think is a fitting topic. It was very interesting reading the posts. It is amazing how similar the stories are. At the exact same time I am reading \"How to Spot a Dangerous Man\" so everything is going hand in hand right now:)
Susy I am also taking your advice about one day at a time. I can do this if I focus on right here and now and what I want and get support from you guys!