making up for lost entries.

I have not written in my journal in awhile.  i have been going crazy with the holiday blues and have determined that this was the worst christmas i have ever had.  I would have rather been in iraq.  But as ia m learning, day by day, that god sometimes puts us through 'hell' to show us and teach us new things.  I am glad that the holidays are over with, aside from new years that is coming up.  Which brings me to what i am wanting to talk about.  I am doing fairly well with what i need to do lately.  I lost my temper ont he phone the other day out of confusion, pain, and frustration.  tommy called me on Sarah's dads phone to talk.  my 7 month old william has a blocked tear duct and i was asking tommy how his brother was doing.  Sarah picked up the phone to tell me what was going on, and i was confused as hell.  Sarah filed the restraining order against me for harrassment, but wanted to talk abou the boys?  I told her that she shouldnt be talking to me period, but she flew off the handle about 'i can talk to you abou thte boys, anything else we cannot do that'  I tried to calmly telly her that she cannot talk to me period, that is what the restraining order SHE filed says.  She blew up and threw the phone away.  I ended up talking to her father for about an hour and a half (more like yelling and screaming for an hour, and talking the rest).  I really lost my temper out of pure frustration.  i do not want it to be like this.  I love my wife and am trying to show her that i can and will change for the better and keep the change this time.  But when she acts like that, i am hurt and confused.  She stated she loved me and wanted to be there with me for better or for worse, but when its worse, she is not there and runs away.  I am having a very hard time dealing with that right now.  I am very concerned with her about everything.  It seems like something more is behind this.  I just dont know anymore still.  Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better, but they have not yet and have no sign that they will. I want us both to work on this divorce and work through out marriage, which should be the right thing to do, right?  i dont know.  i will continue to pray for guidance, which is what i do everyday.
I am planning on taking my son to play laser tag on saturday all day.  I have asked Sarah and her family to come along, as i think it would be good to have tommy see us together having fun.  I want to try to work past all of this, and move forward, whatever the direction is.  I continually pray for gods will to be done.  That is what i truly want.  I am walking with god, and my only fear (complaint lol) is that i dont know what is next.  I am trying to decide what to do with my future.  I am being offered a good postiion with the company i work with now, but i am not happy working nights anymore. it really is driving me nuts, as i cannot be there for my family, should they need it.  But i do enjoy the job. I have a job interview tomorrow, but am not too sure about it. It is for some insurance group that i didnt even apply for.  They foundmy resume on monster.com and the branch and regional manager loved my resume.  They told me the trining would be paid, and that they really liked my resume, but am not sure what the position is.  I have prayed about it, but really have an uneasy feeling.  What is the job? Why me? I have absolutely no insurance experiance.  What made my resume stand out so much more than every other joe?  I dont know.  I worked my butt off in the freezing cold this weekend, and am still thinking about what god and i want to do with myself.  That also tears me up from the inside.  i would love it if my wife would talk to me and we could figure out our future, TOGETHER.  I really want to work this out.  I would be a lot less stressed, and want to get a job that my wife can respect, want her husband to do, and that i like to do.  I dont know what i want to do with my life anymore.  The ideas i have just feel like fog in the cold black night these days.  that is how my life feels in general lately.  I am getting back to being tired all the time, because i cant shut my brain off.  I am always thinking abot what do do next.  i have tried to quit smoking agin, but failed miserably and continue to do so.  Just not sure about things anymore.  I do keep having bad thoughts go through my head, but i dismiss them.  However, the keep coming back.  I really wish sarah new that i am dedicated to this marriage, and hope that she is as well.  It does feel like she never has truly been dedicated to this, as she has always run from problems, never dealing witht hem.  I miss her so much, and miss hearing her voice, seeing her smile, giving her hugs, getting her hugs, kissing, holding her, uggg... here i go again.  I hate this.