Making sense of this

So I had a bit of a disaster. And I wanted to try to write down what I think I've come up with. So I have ochlophobia but sometimes there are exceptions. Like I can go to a convention and I think that's it. 

But my ochlophobia is worst when I'm ice skating. Specifically ice skating on crowded sessions. 

Today's a Wednesday and I know Wednesdays are hella crowded but they are the only ice times I can get that day. But today I couldn't just play it safe I had to do my program and stuff and work around everybody else on the ice. I tried. . . 

I ended up having this anxiety attack after my sloppy program was done and I forced myself to choke back tears and crying for the rest of the session. So of course I ran off the ice in tears. 

On the ice whenever I got close to someone else anyone else or they got close to me I tense up and my voice just shuts down. Because the #1 goal for me is to not collide. So I can't speak and I'm breathing out of control. Every time I got closer to people I started getting worse and worse and I think that's how I just burst into tears by the time I got off the ice. 

& look collisions are a part of figure skating and I know this but I'm the only one who's so obsessed with not hitting people that I get scared just being close or seeing someone coming. 

I get frustrated with this stupid fear becuz everyone else is fine in the crowded sessions. But once I step on I feel like I'm gonna get trampled or in trouble with the adults And everyone else is just like 'Oh you only hit someone and it's fine as long as you're not hurt.'

Why am I the only one who can't handle a collision even if I'm physically uninjured? 

Is it that no one else has anxiety like me or ochlophobia like me? Or am I just a crybaby? 

When I was just starting ice skating many years ago with people over 2 times my size on the same ice. When there was a collision I really got hurt those times. Bruises all over my legs. When a teenager or an adult crashes into a beginner ice skater (at the time I was 3-4 years old before I passed my basic and free skate levels) the kid always goes down and down into the scratchy ice. And the worst part for me was that I was the one who got in trouble and it was all my fault. The adults would yell at me in front of everyone and that made everyone else treat me the same way by screaming at me whenever I skated where I wasn't supposed to or any other mistake. And I don't want to relive that ever. 

No one else at my rink has this problem. So everyone thinks I'm weak and cowardly. But there has got to be someone who feels the same way as me. Someone who'll make me think that this makes sense. I'm still trying to recover from my sob moment rn.

God dammit.