making sense of it

I went to a family get together for my Father's birthday yesterday.

I left the party feeling fearful...at least it's why I am writing here. I'll explain.

I find when I leave a place, like with them, I have a moment of the good

feeling of remembering the party or visit which transitions to me finding fault and worry with myself

that I have done something wrong. I try to shake it off, I try to see it for - even if it were true -

just a trivial missed connection. When alone these buggering (pardon) thoughts

seem to be a kind of affirmation in a weird kind of way. (Maybe it's a weird mental/psychological mask misrepresenting

what I really want..?? A relationship of my own to have.) When with my parents or family 

at times and also when I have these thoughts while with them, I have kind of spoke up and asked if I were

doing anything wrong or if something was the matter. Every time I have received back the 

assuaging response that 'no you've done nothing wrong and it's all ok.' I have talked to my 

therapist about this and she has said 'see? try to remember that!' Yet quite often when 

alone I forget that validation and reassurance. Today I am struggling with it a little bit. I feel bad about my shortcomings.

But I just came from yoga - and I pushed myself out the door to go - and I am really glad I went and

now I am just spending time alone until I go over to my parents' to watch the Oscars with them.

I am catching the negative thoughts and putting them aside, best I can. I'll go for a walk to get

coffee and I am glad I am starting to remember that reassurance when the negative thoughts rear

their head.