Make it Stop...

Sometimes I wish I could just shut all the way down.. Not think, not be the person I am.. Being high or drunk only seemed to hightened my guilt versus the numbness I was looking for.. With sleep comes nightmares so I have no peace to just be. Is there a way to shut your brain completely off? I just want to make all the shame and guilt go away. Why did/do I allow myself to be used over and over again knowing I will never be good enough? Physical turned sexual turned mental until I am nothing. No one seems to care as long as they can have their way and even then they don't even pretend I matter. I am someone to used, to be tossed aside as if I were nothing more than a dirty rag. And yet again, I allow it over and over again because to some extent I know I am nothing. Someone to be tossed aside so others can feel good about themselves. Never to be allowed that satisfaction myself..