MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH!!! :)
Today I made a major breakthrough. I am almost proud of myself. Let me explain.... You might have heard of the enormous storm going through the southern half of the USA in the next couple of days. Baseball sized hail, blizzards, strong winds, and assorted tornados are forecast in various areas. Pretty intense, right? Normally, I love extreme weather (as long as no people or property are hurt), but I HAVE TO FLY OUT SATURDAY!!! AAHH!! So here I was, freaking out. I mean like Spring Quarter at the college starts Monday morning. What if I can't get another flight out? Then I remembered that I only have my meds through Saturday morning. My Mammaw was on the phone with Valerie (her evil daughter who abused me) when I discovered this. Valerie proceded to make comments like "She's gonna kill herself without her meds" and otherwise created uneeded drama in my life. For a good hour or so, I fell right into the drama. I then started freaking out by thinking about how terrible it would be if the judge cancelled my foster care placement and sent me back to live with her. I thought about how if I lived with Valerie she would treat me like I needed to be hospitalized, always watching me, taking away all things that could be considered even remotely sharp. I imagined her hitting me, kicking me, giving me to her boyfriends to be abused again. It was in that moment that I had an HUGE urge to SI. Weird as it may sound, it was pretty strong. Something just came over me though, and I began to reason with myself. I am safe. The judge is not going to send me back to Valerie. The head of Child Protective Services in Washington has promised me that. She can never hurt me ever again. She can never have power over me again unless I give it to her. I am strong. I am going to be okay. Once I realized how little power she has over me, the urges plummeted. It was powerful, invigorating, wonderful. I HAVE CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!! This small fact just made me want to preserve this life of mine. I see this as major progress. Before, I would have landed in the ER needing stitches over nothing but just thoughts and unrealistic fears. Now, I just am comfortable in myself, knowing how strong I really am. Life is good today. :) ~Tracie xoxox
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