Made it in Again

I made it into work again today. The whole religion thing has pretty much calmed down. The one woman who prayed with me yesterday was still pushing me a bit, but she was the only one. She was saying that I should go to her church and handed me a paper with a prayer on it that she wanted me to pray daily. I read the prayer, it's typical Christian stuff- God will help you overcome, get behind me Satan, stuff like that. I think Christians don't give themselves enough credit. When something bad happens, they look at it as their fault, that they succumbed to temptation. When something good happens, they have nothing to do with it, that would be prideful and it was God who did it all. I don't agree with that. I've worked hard in my life to get to where I am, even if I'm not in that good of a place. I still graduated from one of the top universities in the country. I worked my butt off to get my degree. When I was a Christian I would credit God, but now I see that it was me all along that spent those nights studying in the library. If it was God, I would never need to study. Funny how God always requires you to do the work anyway.
Sorry if this religion talk is pushing people away. This is my journal and so I feel like I can talk about what I want to talk about. I have a place to vent about this stuff, but I want it here too so I can remember it. It's just that since I was in the cult I'm sensitive to religion. I'm still brainwashed and sometimes want to go back, even though I know they are a cult. It's brainwashing. I lived with the girls, I was active with them almost every night (6 of the 7 nights a week we had something going on), and for the most part I liked it. I ignored the bad things, the brainwashing and the bigotry. I was looked down on because I was overweight. I was told if I wanted to be a leader I had to lose weight, I was told that if I didn't wear makeup and pretty clothes then nobody would respect me, stuff like that. It all came from one of the leaders, and she was the one in control of all the women in the area. Everyone wanted to be like her. I have a picture somewhere where all these women all look alike, even though they are from all different races (Asian, black, white, Latino) and it's scary.
I know not all churches are like that. But this one was, and it's the only church that's going to be good enough for me with the brainwashing. But I don't want to go back, not really. Only the part of me that's brainwashed wants to go back. I'm not just saying they were a cult because of the biases they had toward me, they were recognized by legitimate places as a cult for their “One True Church” policy. You could only date people in the church, you couldn't go to any other church, you spent almost every night in church activities until you had no time for friends or family outside the church. You may think what you want about the church playing a role in me becoming an atheist, but I don't think it did. Really looking into the Bible and why I believed what I believed did it for me.
Mood today was okay... I left work a bit early so I could go to the gym. I was feeling good for most of the day. Work was work... I keep learning more and more. I made appointments for people, filled out the referral for them, and then printed out the information for them and gave it to Tiffany to fax or email for me, since I can't do that. I'm doing almost everything except for the letters that you send to the patient. She wants to wait to teach me that. By the time I go back to my boss I will be able to do almost everything, but she wants me just to make appointments for her. My boss is all caught up, though, so I might not be working for her for a while.
Food today was good... I was in the calorie range that I wanted to be in. I had yogurt for breakfast, dinner leftovers for lunch (grilled orange chicken and rice), and homemade beef stroganoff for dinner. I don't think that the stroganoff came out that well, but Geo liked it. I'm critical of it, since it's one of my favorite things to eat. I like it a certain way, and it didn't come out the way I wanted it to. Then I started to feel a bit sick after I ate it, but I took some Pepto and drank a soda. That calmed it down. Sleep last night was okay... I had trouble falling asleep and had to take some klonopin. Stress was moderate today... Just dealing with the women at work is hard, but I know I can do it. I don't know if I'm going to go in on Thursday or not, but I want to try and make it in on Friday.