Mad as hell

Forget Biploar and all the other shit. today after my last entry my boss told me that I'm Un reliable and not dependable.My moods shift and I'm not approachable. FUCK HIM!!! I'm not neither f that when he needs something done or when we have speacial other to be filled. He's an asshole. the man looked me in the eyes and told me this...now how am i suppose to feel? and I asked him this question, this comment came out of left field all because I asked him about a Germany trip that a few TOP guns are taking. Bullshit!! Why can't I go? Why am i not considered? WHAT THE FUCK YO'? he could no longer get around the positive things i was giving to him so he attacked my character from the past. I'm not allowed to leave work for an important business/personal reason, that's one. HE"S AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ifeel like screaming at the top of my lungs no words needed.  My job want my blood and when " they " don't get a smile all  day I must have an attitude.  I had a very FUCKED up last YEAR and i don't want to relive that shit. But this FUCKING JERK won't let me live it down. I've been on my job fro 13 yrs. and out of that I had two BAD yrs. and Now I'm a fucked up worker. FUCK HIM.  I used to have a real cool relationship with this guy and along w/ last yr he and damn near every one knew why my yr was fucked. no pity.   GOD know I need my job. I'm only a high school graduate and I can't go as far as i have  at my job. I'm making GREAT money and right now THAT'S what I need. And this is something else he knows. My manger and him acts as if "we" the workers under them are slaves. No sick time out even if you're sick and vacation time for only vacation. His wife was DX w/ brest cancer when He first started and he took off way too many days and came in to work w/ very nasty attitudes. No one said a thing,but "you know his wife is sick".  ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I've had a talk with him early  this year after I came back to work.  He spoke to me about my attitude and i changed. I come to work work everyday with a fake ass SMILE on my face and I want to cry half the time and scream the others. I think that if I don't I'll flip out again. My job is easy(for those who are reading this) but the people make it hard. I was out of work from Nov29 to Feb 18 for medical reasons(look at profile).  no one here knows why and I can't get this man off my back. I got back to work heavily medicated and just plain zombied. I couldn't work like that and the doc lower my meds.  Now i completely stopped my meds and obtain a positive attitude approach to  life but this shit here is FUCKING STUPID. I'M MAD AND SAD AND BITCHY. IFEEL LOW. I THINK HE LIKE ME THERE UNDER HIM. BUT WITH ALL THIS SAID AS WE HAD THIS CONVO AND HE TOLD ME THIS SHIT,  I SMILED. YES I SMILE.!!!!! I actually whiten my teeth for my fake ass smile. TMMW he needs this important order done for the Germany trip and who do you think he asked me. So until tmmw. smile.