Love Letter to my Soths
Oh...My Soths...you women...NOT girls, women...you are so good to me. When I am feeling weak, vindictive, angry, sad, whatever, you tell me the truth with kindness...you humble me, you uplift me, you are a soft place to land when my emotions are as wild as an untethered kite on a windy day. I still wish we could get more activity on this site like we did on the old one, but it seems to be picking up a little bit.
As blind as I was to it, I suppose I am beginning to see a bit of light streaming through the decimation that I lived through, but didn't want to. As Teri said once, it's not a fair trade...sorry, but I'd throw all of you under a bus to get my baby back. But I can't have her physical presence back. I don't think I will, in this life, ever see her death in a positive way, but I can't deny that I found you all because of it. There is probably no way I would have ever met any of you otherwise, much less have developed the bonds...I truly believe we are sisters in spirit. Women, mature women, thrust onto a journey that I believe expands our spiritual growth in a way that can only be instigated by experiencing pain of the deepest depths...forcing us forward exponentially in growth, teaching us we are stronger than we ever knew, and stronger still when we find our tribe to support and be supported by.
I feel overwhelmed by love for you, all of you...and I feel brave, because when the waves come, I will suffer badly, but I know I can reach out to you for comfort. I feel I have a purpose, because when I am feeling strong I can lend a hand or ear to someone in need.
I found this group early on in my journey...you were patient with me then and are patient with me today. There's no way of knowing where or how I would be without this group, But I'm sure glad I didn't have to find out.
Replies
I could not wait to read my love letter...lol
I have always felt that the key to surviving this is to seek support, but most importantly, to reach out to others in need, just as others have done for us...it always seems that someone writes something I need to read just when I need to hear it...sometimes their pain let's me know how far I have come when I feel stuck....love understanding and support, that is the spirt of ForMomsOnly Sisters of the Heart.
Oh Gina, I agree completely. I do not see Eddie's passing as anything positive. I don't feel I needed to get closer to God, had lessons to learn etc. Ed did not die because of any of that. He had a heart anomaly that took his life. That being said, I do believe that if I am open, there are gifts to be had on this horrific journey. The greatest gifts are you and our other SOTHS. I have received other gifts as a result of this grief journey but regardless of any gifts along the way, no one wants to join this club. But I am eternally grateful for this place, all our sisters and all the hope and support I've received over the last 7 years. And I am honored to just listen with love as other moms reach out and give encouragement when I can. Your journal entry is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Love, Linda
Oh Gina. I have tears in my eyes. You are able to express what I and many of my SOTH feel. We are here to support one another. I can honestly say (and have said many times) For Moms Only saved me. There is nothing good about losing a precious child. It will always hurt like hell. We are no longer the carefree people we once were. However I have learned that life can be good. In a way I guess I live a double life these days. The cheerful one, and the one that cries in the grocery store when she sees Skinny Cow frozen treats and turkey bites. I have learned that the two Marlene's can co-exist quite nicely. I can truly enjoy life - it does not diminish my feelings for Lisa. I don't feel that horrible guilt anymore.
I am so glad you are reaching out for support and at the same time, you are giving support. How cool is that!
Tight hugs my SOTH. Love to you and Cassi.
Gina, I feel exactly the same way. You and I found this group of women early on our journey. I wasn't sure what I would get when I journaled that first time, but I knew I had to talk to other moms who KNEW and KNOW how I was/am feeling. There are no words to express my gratitude, love and connection I feel with my SOTH'S......We take each other exactly where we are, we write what we need to write and they hold our hands, stand with us and yet offer love and compassion really to a complete stranger. It's only over time that we get to know each other and really begin to hold each sister in our heart and I truly care so much.
When the new site was being set up and I was disconnected from all of my sisters, I felt so lonely, depressed and lost.....There are no words, no amount of money that could ever replace what we have here. Like every mom here, I would give anything to have Jennifer here with me, but in saying that I am so grateful I have come to know you. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
I so appreciate your love letter and am with you with everything that you describe about our sisters of the heart. Thank YOU! I will never forget how our founder, Barbara, encouraged us to try to reach out daily to others and in doing so it would be help us in our healing. I noticed that if I could just show up and reach out in some way that who it was helping was me.
Loving care to each of us in this brutiful world as Glennon describes it. Both brutal and beautiful and they don't cancel one another out, yet somehow we learn how to live within both states of mind and BEing.
Onward we go, Hand in hand, Heart to heart and caring so very deeply,
XO Joanie
So perfectly said... I have struggled many times to include in any statement how grateful I am to FMO and our SOTH because the death of my child... its a no deal ever thing... like you said... I kind of laughed... but I got it... you'd throw everyone of us under the bus if only... I'm grateful that I live... Cara lives within and through me and all of us who love her still... and now that includes you... and our other SOTH... as I picture Cassi and our other angels... and smile remembering the stories shared that make me feel I know and love them... you all do for my Cara... I'm grateful for that... and so many things. I love this love letter... Thank You. Hugs Elissa
Love letters....just the best! Your words are my words for sure; all the thoughts and feelings and gratitude. SO thankful a small handful of us "stumbled" upon each other nearly 10 years ago and one, OH THAT ONE, had the HEART to start a group out of the 6-7 of us! I said many times in journals over the years that'd I'd send you all to hell in a handbasket to have my Kala back.....so yes, I get it....we all do. Barbara taught me that even in my venting journals I was actually helping others. She said in doing so, I was teaching it was OK to let it all out, that this was a safe place to do so. Once, Kala told me she was proud of me just for doing my best...even if that was staying in bed all day crying my eyes out. So, I've learned I don't have to have it all figured out and sometimes I can yell my pain and sometimes I can cry my pain and sometimes I can share my joy and silliness and sometimes, perhaps, even share an encouraging word that gives a bit of hope to another mom. This is FMO to me. A group of crazy, messed up, compassionate, wonderful, awesome women who allow each other the freedom to be who and what we are at any given time. This IS love! And like you, I'm in LOVE with each of my SOTH's.
WOW, WOW, This is truly a great way to start my day. In gratitude for all of you yet agreeing you would be under the bus in a nanosecond to get my girls back. We go on to only to honor our children. A friend of my wrote a letter to hubby and I which I still read now and again thanking us for being teachers in our struggle. You all and our children are my teachers. While I truly do not want to be a student of this journey, I hope I am passing my grade. Thank you everyone and you Gina for saying these words of love. Peace, Kathy
Without this organization who knows where I would be now. I feel like my journey has been forever, but once I look back it has been a short time. The healing journey is a lifetime and I am happy that I have all of you to help me and others navigate the rocky waters of life. Gina keep working at it is not easy but what in life is. You are truly loved.
Tight hugs
Penny