Love/Hate Relationship
I have decided I have a love/hate relationship with the memories. They come throughout the day randomly, things I haven't thought of in forever just pop into my head! Like earlier I'm sitting at my desk and I all of a sudden think of my 24th birthday. Brad and I had taken his daughter to dinner ( like he did every Wednesday) and after we took her home he took me shopping, and then we went to one of the bars we use to hangout in with one of his friends. Pretty low key, but still fun. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. At first it made me smile, like most of the memories do, but then that smile turns into sadness and longing and pain. It always ends up reminding me how much I miss him and how unfair this is! I want to touch him, hug him, kiss him. I'd do anything in the world to be able to do these things again.
I went to my sons school this morning for muffins with mom. I had so much anxiety and the number of people there was overwhelming. I felt so uneasy. There was also the looks. Brad did a lot at the school and many of the parents and teachers/administrators knew him. You know that feeling when you know everyone is watching you. That they know who you are and what has happened in your life. It's like they were all whispering "oh look there's Brad's girlfriend, poor thing" I don't want people to pity me like that. I always get the " how are you doing?" With that look. I hate "the look". It's hard enough as it a being at the school because Brad was always with me when I went. Both our kids go there and are very much adored by their teachers and staff. I do love the school. We moved just so that we could get my son in, his daughter had already gone there for 2 years. It's an average size but the teachers and staff are so kind and honestly care about their students and their families. When Brad passed they were so caring and offered their assistance in any way we needed. It makes me sad to leave, but I just have to be closer to Evan during the day. My office is 40 minutes away from the school now without Atlanta traffic! Anyways, sorry this was very random and rambling. I guess I should probably get back to work now!
I went to my sons school this morning for muffins with mom. I had so much anxiety and the number of people there was overwhelming. I felt so uneasy. There was also the looks. Brad did a lot at the school and many of the parents and teachers/administrators knew him. You know that feeling when you know everyone is watching you. That they know who you are and what has happened in your life. It's like they were all whispering "oh look there's Brad's girlfriend, poor thing" I don't want people to pity me like that. I always get the " how are you doing?" With that look. I hate "the look". It's hard enough as it a being at the school because Brad was always with me when I went. Both our kids go there and are very much adored by their teachers and staff. I do love the school. We moved just so that we could get my son in, his daughter had already gone there for 2 years. It's an average size but the teachers and staff are so kind and honestly care about their students and their families. When Brad passed they were so caring and offered their assistance in any way we needed. It makes me sad to leave, but I just have to be closer to Evan during the day. My office is 40 minutes away from the school now without Atlanta traffic! Anyways, sorry this was very random and rambling. I guess I should probably get back to work now!
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