Love, Commitment, and Effort are not enough
Husbands,
Do not depend on love to maintain your marriage relationship with your wife. The true love that is commitment after the "in love" has been transitioned through is vital but it is not enough. Nor will the most essential effort you invest in the relationship be enough. You must, MUST find a way to make these effective with your wife.
Marriage is a marathon but do not make the mistake of thinking it is simply a participation sport... It is a competition. Putting in enough training and having the focus and discipline to finish the marathon is not good enough... You must win. Who is the competition you might ask? I can honestly tell you I don't know them all. I have seen flashes of competitors such as idealized memories of past loves, magnification of my faults or shortcomings, stresses caused by difficulties in life, even her own depression over her problems or character flaws, as I've pushed myself, desperately trying to put these behind us.
Ultimately you may find yourself losing the competition because what is ahead of you is her unhappiness. Even if your wife sees the unhappiness is not your fault directly, she most probably will feel that the only way to have a chance at fixing it is to change the environment she is in. You may hope that she will invest in the marriage by communicating with you, making changes to herself, or even blindly committing to finding happiness with you and only you. Good luck with that; you are being naive.
Today's entitled society continually pounds us with setting expectations that YOU DESERVE THE BEST AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT YOU ARE BEING DEPRIVED. No longer is there a concept of earning something like marital happiness. You may find that your wife's effort will only take the form of waiting for something to get better. Since this will seem difficult for her, she will perceive it as putting a lot of effort into the marriage. As time goes by, she will build a "tab" of this invested effort and it will actually contribute more to her unhappiness.
You cannot rely on anyone but yourself to see your marriage work. This means that YOUR love, commitment, and effort are not enough. You must find a way for them to be effective. That is something I am obviously not capable of helping others with, considering my failure.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions. Stop by and say hi if you find yourself in that neighborhood.
Do not depend on love to maintain your marriage relationship with your wife. The true love that is commitment after the "in love" has been transitioned through is vital but it is not enough. Nor will the most essential effort you invest in the relationship be enough. You must, MUST find a way to make these effective with your wife.
Marriage is a marathon but do not make the mistake of thinking it is simply a participation sport... It is a competition. Putting in enough training and having the focus and discipline to finish the marathon is not good enough... You must win. Who is the competition you might ask? I can honestly tell you I don't know them all. I have seen flashes of competitors such as idealized memories of past loves, magnification of my faults or shortcomings, stresses caused by difficulties in life, even her own depression over her problems or character flaws, as I've pushed myself, desperately trying to put these behind us.
Ultimately you may find yourself losing the competition because what is ahead of you is her unhappiness. Even if your wife sees the unhappiness is not your fault directly, she most probably will feel that the only way to have a chance at fixing it is to change the environment she is in. You may hope that she will invest in the marriage by communicating with you, making changes to herself, or even blindly committing to finding happiness with you and only you. Good luck with that; you are being naive.
Today's entitled society continually pounds us with setting expectations that YOU DESERVE THE BEST AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT YOU ARE BEING DEPRIVED. No longer is there a concept of earning something like marital happiness. You may find that your wife's effort will only take the form of waiting for something to get better. Since this will seem difficult for her, she will perceive it as putting a lot of effort into the marriage. As time goes by, she will build a "tab" of this invested effort and it will actually contribute more to her unhappiness.
You cannot rely on anyone but yourself to see your marriage work. This means that YOUR love, commitment, and effort are not enough. You must find a way for them to be effective. That is something I am obviously not capable of helping others with, considering my failure.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions. Stop by and say hi if you find yourself in that neighborhood.
Replies
I can\'t believe the range of emotions I am being bombarded with. For the first time in my 15 years of knowing my wife, I woke up hating her for what she was doing to me and our children. I would do anything to somehow win her her love back but while she is not in love with me it is killing me. I cannot find peace in my own head with all the emotions causing an equally varied scenarios running through my mind. They can be over the top hopeful with scenes of passion in reconciliation or brutally cruel. I miss her terribly for the lover she was and my very best friend with whom I could share everything. Every time my phone rings or I get a text, a thousand possibilities of communications from her electrify my brain. Is she letting me know she can\'t wait any longer and is taking the kids and leaving? Is she letting me know she\'s changed her mind? Is she going to ask for something that enables her leaving but I cannot deny her because of my feelings?
I see her and everything in me craves to hold her... But I don\'t. I want to share all my thoughts and suffering with the woman who has been my best friend and seek comfort and support from her... But I don\'t. I desperately want to become the man she cannot deny her love for... But somehow I can\'t.
I thought I had prepared myself for today. It is Valentines Day and my wife spent the first half of the day in bed. Then once a ran an errand, she left to spend the rest of the day out. What did I do? Cleaned bathrooms, organized the garage, tons of laundry including things I found in the garage, got a head start on a science project of one of my son\'s. Still all I feel the soul-wrenching rejection and painful memories of past Valentines Days. I hope tomorrow I can recharge my self control.