lots of ideas that are making me a bit cuckoo

I went to my parents' house today and it was really nice. Just a good time eating breakfast


and then some shopping and then back to their office where my Dad and I read the Sunday paper and had the news


on. I am really grateful. 


On the news was a lot of President Trump, and it gave me shudders. I apologize to those who support him


but the more he was on - the more I started to wonder how his mind works. He seems to come from a place


of ominpotence and that idea really sunk in and I found myself sucked in.


I came home and just was full of a conservative sense and I seem to be cut off from my own vibe.


The more I thought about it - the more I needed to find my perspective again - what made me feel on my own again, and to own, my own again was to start


doing chores. Checked my bank account, went and bought gas, went to Starbucks and those realities just


got me feeling somewhat personally in the boogie of my life again.


I wondered what it was that I wanted? Why was I feeling so uptight and rigid? I kind of spazzed inside - whereas once


I might have railed inside about it to a great degree - a better vantage finally came


and I started to think about Arfie's phrase, and my usage of her phrase, "romancing an idea.."


What point would that have at this time? It indeed would help me feel good about my life I realized.


I guess it's about metabolizing my experience too.


I AM alone - and though I am free to do what I like with my time, part of me wants to feel important,


to feel something, to feel like I am doing alright.  I know this is a crazy post - I just can't leave a message like


this on my Therapist's voicemail. Part of owning this desire to feel kind of valuable - also makes me realize


that I must be brave enough to put that 'special' pursuit in a community aspect...To not just live


in a corner of my mind for a special touch - and be unempowered in the outside world


- that won't get me anywhere...I really don't know


if you have any words here - would very much appreciate it - I can imagine my therapist saying something


brilliant and decharging of the worry I feel. I will keep on keeping on. Take care of yourselves tonight and all week


long - Peace and be well :) 

Replies

arfie
arfie

The heavily theraputed question for my own questioning nature might be, "Which came first, the cuckoo or the ideas?" When I don't let the cuckoo run the show, my ideas are mostly ruminations to pass the time. Sometimes they inspire me to write letters or some such. When the cuckoo takes over, an idea that a random politician is exercising Godly Rights over our civil liberties might inspire me to go looking for my super cape to launch a mission or? ? ? That freaking cuckoo seems to have a bit of its own God Complex. It could go anywhere.

It's okay to make crazy journal entries here, Mark. Ya can't conquer a crazy spot until you pull ^it^ out of the over-stuffed closet and look at ^it^, up close and personal. I take a therapy supporter with me on those missions, whenever possible. My cuckoo closet is not a safe neighborhood to travel alone. Back up is essential.
malibumark
malibumark

Thanks Arfie, you made me chuckle.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD

Big hug Marky..... You are important sweetie.... You are important to me and I have no doubt that you are important to God.... I think that some of this comes from having schizoaffective disorder Marky.... I know that it can be rough at times..... Another hug and a blessing....xo
malibumark
malibumark

thanks Jan!!! x