Lots of Feelings Going Thru my Head
Yesterday several things happened which may sound small and uneventful to some people, but for someone like me who lives a boring isolated life, some very significant things happened. This caused me not to sleep well because I had so much to think about.
Firstly, I think I may have made a friend. An irl friend that I see several times a week at the gym and have her phone number. It's been so many years since I made a friend, that it feels weird but also kind of exciting. I am also second guessing myself :( Any time I tried to make a friend when I was younger, my mom would always psyche me out and badmouth them, not allow me to hang out. So I have that voice in the back of my head not trusting this woman, feeling uneasy. I have to keep quiet and not tell anyone I made a couple friends at the gym, even tho they are all female. It sucks because I really think I made a good friend.
Yesterday she invited me to a private group class. It sounded fun but idk if I will go. Its on my day off, when I'm supposed to be doing work at home. But it would be at the end of the day. Fiance said he thinks I should do it, that way I get in another day at the gym, and also have some socialization. He said he is concerned that I don't have any close friends or go visit people. He said he hopes I don't feel like I can't have friends because of him. I actually do feel like that, and we had a conversation about it yesterday, so now I feel better.
I shouldnt have told Mom. I was so excited about being invited to a fun group thing that I forgot and blurted it out when I got home. She got mad and told me it sounded fishy. Why would this woman just suddenly do that? She obviously is tricking you into buying something. Then she yelled at me that I would be neglecting my duties at home and that I already go to the gym too much.
I really don't. I only go 3 days a week, once in awhile 4. It just upsets me that something good happens and always something bad has to go with it. My mom made it sound like this woman is a creep or something. She always does that any time I make a female friend, she tries to act like I'm gay or something. It's so weird.
So I didn't even tell anyone the rest of the conversation I had with my gym friend. We were talking about shoulder injuries, which led to talk about how we both do traditional archery, and she knows a guy who could fix my bow. Then that led to us sharing that we are both Cherokee. Most of my family is dead, so it was so nice to hear about traditions and customs from another young woman. It was very nice to be able to talk about my heritage instead of hiding it. I learned about groups I could get involved with locally. I would have to do that secretly from my family. My mom would flip the fuck out.
Another thing that happened is while we were at work, my mom met our new neighbor and turns out it is a guy I was sorta friends with in highschool. He is married now with 6 kids. She would not stop talking about him, and it clearly pissed off my fiance, which I guess is sorta cute/amusing because he was jealous lol. I hope she drops it and doesn't keep bringing it up or invite him over. It would be awkward. It's nice to know our new neighbor is someone nice that I know from school, but the way she was acting was weird, like she thought we dated or needed to date or something.
Then the other thing that happened was my fiance text me from work saying he was going to a cookout Saturday after work. He said I could come, but I know his friends didn't invite me because they are all woman haters. I got mad and told him he could go but that I would worry the entire time he was gone that he would do drugs or drive home drunk. I don't like his friends. He is still going, which I didn't want him to not see his friends, I just hate that I would only want to go to babysit. So I'm just not going. I will enjoy the evening to myself.
And I plan on following up on this new gym class and gym friend. I am cautious but hopeful. I really have to stop with this slave mentality, and nobody likes me mentality. That's just abuse that has been beat into me. I should not feel guilty for having a friend or going places after work or on my day off. I'm trying to do more things for myself and not feel shame or guilt for being selfish.
Replies
Your mom has trust issues based on her own insecurities about herself. IMHO....... If you spend more time with friends and less with her, she will feel rejected so this is something you both need to work on. Mom needs to know you love her even though you are spending a little more time with friends. Don't let mom talk you out of it. You need to increase your circle of friends. Our relationships with others is how we grow at the emotional level..
It will be an adjustment for mom but she will get use to the idea. Maybe after your friend gets to know you a little better, take her over to visit with mom but tell friend beforehand about mom having to go through an adjustment because you had previously spent alot of time with mom and that although you love, you really need a life of your own....., and maybe you can do some thing with mom and friend together like...a few times a year or so, ... like go out to dinner...just enough to keep mom happy but without being over bearing to your friend... Life is all about balance. Too much of something or too little of something can be unhealthy. I eat too much chocolate and that is unhealthy, for example. We have to have balance in life so that all of our needs get filled.
Your new friend wants to share parts of her life with you., she wants to help, she wants someone to care about, Your new friend is a gift and giving and receiving are the same in Heaven.
Your last paragraph says it all and I have nothing to add to that except you need to forgive yourself for holding onto all that guilt for thinking you were a slave to others. You are NOT.! Taking care of your own needs is NOT being selfish! I had a problem with that also until I figured out where it was coming from and it had to do with my religious upbringing. So spend some time with your new friend and focus on nurturing that friendship relationship. If it feels good....if it feels right, in your heart, then do it!
God Bless.
May I thank you for the opportunity to counter the social isolation skills you learned from your mother?
Yay you for taking the risk. The only guarantee you get with a new relationship is that nothing will happen if you do nothing. "Cautious but hopeful" hits my radar as a balance you can work with. May the risk pay big dividends. Even if the friendship doesn't pan out, you will be a stronger woman for having taken the risk. At least, that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
Looking forward to the update.
Good for you! Go to the group thing and you don’t need to explain anything to your Mom about going. Just say I won’t be home that night. Have FUN!
Thanks for your encouragement guys! The group thing is next Wednesday so I hope it goes well and a good group of people.
The group new friend is way to go. Not pushing your boyfriend into proper rehab or counselling is only going to rebound on you later
Good for you! Yes you should definetly go!! I'll bet after you meet up with her, you are going to be in a good mood. Keep up the good mood, don't let your mom or your finance ruin a good time, which I know you will have, you deserve it!
Good for you! For taking charge and responsibility for YOUR wants and needs (rather than theirs) Is good for you to just let fiancée do his thing. If he screws up, that is on him. It is not your job to see that he does not overdo it. He is a big boy now. What he does is his problem. Just spend your time as YOU want to.
And you need to remember, dysfunctional people do not trust anyone. It is an us/ against them mentality I can remember spending time with 2 cousins .They would pick apart and make fun of everyone.(never to their faces but behind their back) Even though they thought it was funny (and truthfully is where we also ridiculed each other) and I did not think it was right, I often found myself thinking similarly abut strangers too. It is hard , but we can retrain our minds and realize their jumbled thoughts do not have to be ours.
It is healthy and great to make a close friend or two. We all need someone to confide in and do things with. Just like Bob said, your Mom's talk is all about her lack of trust and fear of losing you. By the way... you are not to be chained to her house to continue to do all that you do. She has a helluva lot of nerve trying to guilt you into spending more time at home doing MORE. You are a big girl... almost married... and allowed to have your own life, friends and happiness. You go girl! :}
PS Arfie also has a very good point. Putting a little trust and effort into this friendship is a good start. Will build confidence and trust to try again. (Much as you love Mom and even fiancée, is not good to just surround yourself with negative, abusive untrusting thoughts.)