lost along the way, by choice

Somewhere along the way my life's intent turned insincere.  My innocence gladly given away for a peek at the ‘other side’.  My eyes now constantly squinted and darting around the room always avoiding any meaningful human issues in the subject at hand.  Lost is a fog of self indulgent thinking. Wordy obfuscations of endless kinds to achieve my real self serving objectives.  Although to be fair, in the end, I have no idea what the objective is. Through mostly painful experience I am certain nirvana is not many things I had set out to achieve, experience or otherwise conquer.  I didn't start out this way. I used to manifest happiness and truthfulness in everything I touched.  I briefly restored innocence in those older than I that I now recognize as lost souls or even some down right evil folks.  But ultimately I forced myself down this path.  I would like to say ‘life just happens’ but there are choices and I have made mine. As much as I wished there is a rationale to life, I was very surprised to find there really is; a controlled chaos, a cautious, cajoling chaos, a slow-burn chaos. It is an agreement among people to be ‘civilized’ and stop those who are not. I don’t do this because I really want to give up my ability to do any dang thing, per se, but because I am terrified of what life would be if I did not.  If we all did not agree!   But as I grew older I became bored and insatiable.  I shop, drink and eat too much.  I started a moral (??) decline but in such socially acceptable ways.  Then I started breaking simple rules of civility.  Soon I cheated and lied in many forms.  I even break the same laws I (aka ‘we’) created to protect us.  We cannot protect ourselves from ourselves in the end. I had become who I was afraid of and yet still, still, won’t admit it.  So I live life with a never ending, ever changing, hidden agenda.  Like having a personal conversation with the skeleton in my closet on a daily basis. It agrees whole(un)heartedly with my rationalizations of going throughout the day performing entirely selfish acts of self gratification.  Then later with much horrible suffering in my shallow attempts to reconcile my actions in reality with those images in my head of who I think I am.  Yet therein lays the fly in the ointment, the hole in the alibi, the rub.  I am what I do regardless of what I think….  You have no doubt noticed by now I do not articulate my transgressions.  I guess I could and it would be a lot less exciting than you imaginations but far into the R rated movie arena.  I think it is all normal stuff really, the human condition.  More later as if anyone is ever going to read this anyway...notfound404