Lost

I don't know if I can get through this, this time. My depression is really bad I can't find any good in anything I have to force myself to get up in the morning or even take a shower. I clean and it never helps I started exercising and it helped but I started pushing myself to the point of almost passing out just to look in the mirror and see how fucking ugly I am and I see how much of a disappointment I am for everyone. Maybe everyone would be better with out me. If I just dissappered would anyone look for me would anyone even care. I mean everyone would be happier they could have the man that raped me in their lives and not have to keep it a secret. My sister would have to choose who it invite me or our father who RAPED us. Oh and my bf has moved in and he does nothing with me as soon as he's home he's play his games and my other roommate is in here room and I'm left alone. No one ever hears me until I yell. All I want is for some to say I'm wanted and its going to be ok and hold me and for this pain to go way. More and more it seems so easy to just take a bottle of pills and fall asleep like in the movies and books. I kept thinking of the future and planning what my wedding might be like but even that seems to be to far away I've been DATEING MY BY FOR 3 YEARS and as far as I know he doesn't plan to marry me any time soon. So fuck my life and fuck god for putting me through all of the shit I have been through starting to think I was God's mistake and reject.