losing my mind again?

recently i've been getting much worse. i started flushing my meds a few months back and so far it's been amazing. i have all of my emotions and senses back for the first time in years. recently my boyfriend moved away and i saw my abuser (my dad) again a few weeks ago and i've been on a downhill ever since. my chronic muscle and joint pain has come back to the point where i can't get out of bed in the mornings. i haven't been sleeping much lately which definitely isn't helping anything but my insomnia is so bad i can't help it. i've picked up working out aggressively again and my eating is fucked. either my ED is coming back or i'm developing a new weird coping mechanism that closely resembles my previous fling with anorexia. i've been cutting again and there's nothing i can do about it i have no control anymore. my mom refuses to listen to me about my being trans and my alters have been taking over more. i'm tired of this laundry list of issues inside a body that i can't even call home.