Losing Friends
I knew it would happen...losing friends. After the first few ekks had passed it started. A cousin who was like a sister, now doesn't seem to know me. So many others, some I expected, some I didn't. But I have been dealt a terrible blow.
My "best friend" and I are, I guess, broken up, or whatever it is called...I had a bad weekend, nothing unusual there. Yesterday was particularly bad. I began texting Ashley...about how painful it is, how I want to be with Cassi, how it's just too hard. Well, surprisingly, it took her hours to respond...even then the response seemed curt, impatient, something along the lines of, I can't imagine the pain you are in but you can't just give up." This after what probably amounted to pages and pages of texts, pouring my heart out to her. She wouldn't answer my calls either. So once she responded I began texting her again...along the same lines...just wanting comfort and support. I need that sometimes. I don't think I really want to kill myself, I just want the pain to end and I want to be with my baby and I get overwhelmed and just ruminate at times...emotional venting really. Her response??? Silence Eventually I confronted her asking why she wasn't responding...no answer. The last text I sent was "I need you"...nothing...nothing all day today either.
I can't understand how she could do this to me. She was literally the first person I called when I found out. She came right over, accompanied us, stuck by my side. She did a reading at my baby's funeral. It's not like I do this often, it is actually very seldom I reach out to her like that, because I know she is busy and has problems of her own. But we have such a history, she has seen me thru so much, as I have her. Her daughter calls me Aunt Gina...
I needed her yesterday. If she was unable to provide support, for whatever reason, she could have told me and I would have understood...Just a quick text...family problems, sick child, anything...I can't talk about this now, but I love you...that's all it would have taken. I would have understood just as I have so many times before.
She knows...she was there to bear witness that horrible day...
I am not going to reach out to her again. She ignored all of my previous attempts. If she reaches out to me, I don't know if I can forgive her. I never thought she would tire of me, turn on me, and it appears she has.
If someone isn't going to be there for you when you need them most, then really, what do you need them for???
Coming up on the anniversary, feeling like I have no one now that truly understands, that knew the history, years before it happened she knew my struggles, Cassi's struggles.
Pain on top of pain on top of pain...loss after loss...I realize I am feeling sorry for myself, but if anyone has a reason to, it's me.
My "best friend" and I are, I guess, broken up, or whatever it is called...I had a bad weekend, nothing unusual there. Yesterday was particularly bad. I began texting Ashley...about how painful it is, how I want to be with Cassi, how it's just too hard. Well, surprisingly, it took her hours to respond...even then the response seemed curt, impatient, something along the lines of, I can't imagine the pain you are in but you can't just give up." This after what probably amounted to pages and pages of texts, pouring my heart out to her. She wouldn't answer my calls either. So once she responded I began texting her again...along the same lines...just wanting comfort and support. I need that sometimes. I don't think I really want to kill myself, I just want the pain to end and I want to be with my baby and I get overwhelmed and just ruminate at times...emotional venting really. Her response??? Silence Eventually I confronted her asking why she wasn't responding...no answer. The last text I sent was "I need you"...nothing...nothing all day today either.
I can't understand how she could do this to me. She was literally the first person I called when I found out. She came right over, accompanied us, stuck by my side. She did a reading at my baby's funeral. It's not like I do this often, it is actually very seldom I reach out to her like that, because I know she is busy and has problems of her own. But we have such a history, she has seen me thru so much, as I have her. Her daughter calls me Aunt Gina...
I needed her yesterday. If she was unable to provide support, for whatever reason, she could have told me and I would have understood...Just a quick text...family problems, sick child, anything...I can't talk about this now, but I love you...that's all it would have taken. I would have understood just as I have so many times before.
She knows...she was there to bear witness that horrible day...
I am not going to reach out to her again. She ignored all of my previous attempts. If she reaches out to me, I don't know if I can forgive her. I never thought she would tire of me, turn on me, and it appears she has.
If someone isn't going to be there for you when you need them most, then really, what do you need them for???
Coming up on the anniversary, feeling like I have no one now that truly understands, that knew the history, years before it happened she knew my struggles, Cassi's struggles.
Pain on top of pain on top of pain...loss after loss...I realize I am feeling sorry for myself, but if anyone has a reason to, it's me.
Replies
These people whom you call your friends, aren\'t available for depth. Most people aren\'t. That is why we write here. People are afraid, or don\'t want to be bothered, and never really loved us at all. I\'m grateful for the two friends I have , one new, one old. We are now pariahs. Outside normal sadness. My cousins never mentioned anything to me after I lost my oldest son, Jacob.
I\'ve had to forgive, it\'s family after all, and they have no understanding of where I am, what I\'ve been through, and how my life has changed drastically.
Have patience, make new friends, be kind and gentle to yourself. That\'s the relationship that needs the most mending, I think. Love, Abby
Dearest Gina, I have been on this journey for the past 1 1/2 years and I am only beginning to be able to journal and try and understand some of this nightmare. We are here for you, whenever you need or want to express yourself. I honestly feel that unless someone has lost a child, they do not understand the depths of our emotions and all of these feelings scare people who we thought would always be there. Trust me, there are times when I would have loved to run away from myself.
All I can say is one moment, inch by inch....try to surround yourself with people who truly care and try and understand some of your pain. Together, hand in hand we walk this journey together. I truly do care, so just take a slow deep breathe and know that we are SOTH and we do CARE. Loving hugs, Debbie
Dear Gina. That is so hurtful. I have no idea how anyone can just turn away. But it happens. A social worker who I thought was a friend, became scarce after Lisa died. She was wonderful with dying residents and their families, but me? No. I put it down to the fact that she has 2 kids and I am a reminder that it could happen in her family too.
I wish with all my heart that I could make the pain go away. Just know that we are with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
It is so hurtful and it\'s hard to understand why others don\'t or can\'t or won\'t be there when we need them - even an honest response, sometimes they can\'t make because of fear of making it worse for us. I have found that no-one can possibly know the roller coaster of emotions that we moms experience on a daily basis unless they have been there. It\'s sad to me, but it\'s true....that\'s what makes this group so amazing. I have a very close friend and 85% of the time she is there for me but it is unrealistic of me to expect her to be there for me whenever I need her. So I come here - anytime, night or day....I would love to have it different sometimes but I just get disappointed and hurt when I expect something from someone that they can\'t give when I want it.
You are so right on when you said - you don\'t really want to die, it\'s just the pain we want to stop....oh, how I hear you and am with you....STOP THE PAIN.....the heart ache that at times just seems unbearable.
I\'m so sorry Gina your friend wasn\'t there when you needed her the most. I\'m glad you are here - I\'m listening, I care, I hear you. (((hugs)))Vicki.
Dear Gina, people can be so very cruel! I have the same problem - I am alone and abandoned because I am in emotional pain. It is easy for some people to dust off the past, because they can not understand the unseen cord of love and longing we have with our angel children. For them it is just another event that took place in the past. Our shattered hearts and lives mean NOTHING to them!!
Gentle, loving hugs to you, my friend! xxx
No, you\'re not just feeling sorry for yourself....but damn, if anyone has a right to feel sorry for ourselves it surely is us!
Unfortunately we\'ve all (or at least most) have encountered this same situation....with a family member, a friend, a close co-worker. And it hurts. Badly.
Right now is one of the most difficult times in your life....the few short weeks and days prior to the anniversary of \"that day\". It nearly sucks the life out of us all over again. The dread, the anticipation, the fear....the anger, the disbelief, the anxiety attacks, the outburst, the not sleeping....it\'s all SO horribly hard to get through! It\'s a miracle that we do. And add the lack of support from a dear and trusted friend.....just makes our hearts hurt that much more.
Like you, I don\'t understand a person...a best friend...simply not responding. Say SOMETHING! Anything! Hell, tell me to shut the f*&^ up....but don\'t ignore me!! I do understand \"they\" can\'t understand our pain. But you\'re not asking her to understand it....just to BE with you as you go through it.
I can\'t offer any advice about what you should do....lord knows I\'d probably open my big mouth and say WAY too much. So, I\'ll give you the advice JJ and AnnM always give me.....give it some time before reaching out or responding in any way. Emotions are high right now. Just take care of you and get through these days, then take care of this issue if it\'s still an issue for you. Yep, that\'s what I\'d expect JJ and Ann to tell me. And they are WAY smarter than I am, so there ya go.
And you can always call me and cry and scream and I\'ll cry and scream with you. And when all you need is someone to listen...I\'ll try to keep quiet and let you do the screaming all by yourself. But I\'m a very good screamer! LOL!!
I love ya girl and truly I\'m so sorry you\'re dealing with so much pain. But I do know one thing for sure, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!!! Just keep hanging on, keep breathing, keep venting, keep sharing, and keep making Cassi proud of her momma...cause she surely is!!!
I had 5 very good friends and all but one straggled off... Since the 5th anniversary, three have made contact with me since, I am afraid one is forever gone. Am I as close to them? No, not really.
I know you just want to \"be\" with your friend. I know you don\'t need her to \"fix it.\" I think they want to fix us by telling us the same thing over and over. After awhile they tire. Sad, but true. After a year the mourning time should be over according to society. They wonder why we can\'t move on...
I say that with a big sigh thinking back, thinking of where you are in your life. It is so hard to be rejected so close to the most dreaded date in your life right now. They just don\'t \"get it.\"
All the rest of the moms said about the same thing I would advise so I will leave this.
healing hugs and \'screams\' with you honey.
I love al of the words spoken here to you, they are real. Gina I have found that even the best of \"friends\" aren\'t equipped to handle us. They don\'t have the tools and I have accepted this as painful as it is. I am so sorry you are going through this. But take the good advice here and SCREAM all you want! Lean on you SOTH, and know we all love you.
Cindy
As I read your journal I feel abandonment and almost indifference and that is far worse than someone simply telling you straight up that they cannot BE with you in your sorrow and in your pain.
The hardest thing to remember, Gina, is this is ALL about them and not about you. Truly, as the others have said we represent the worst loss possible and it\'s a \"disease\" that they don\'t want to catch if they come too close and stay for too long.
It\'s a terribly lonely feeling to have people we have come to love and to trust not have the slightest idea of what a heart with ears would be. Say nothing... Just hold the space with us, for us, and allow us to share and to heal. It seems so simple, yet is not for most. They do the \"duck and cover\" I call it and only come out when the SH*T is no longer flying. When we are \"back\" to our \"old selves\" they might take a sneak peek and then jump down the rabbit hole again because we are forever changed. I think if I had a quarter for every time I heard, \"I want the old Joanie back\" I would never dream of winning Publishers Clearinghouse ever again.
Please feel that you are surrounded by those who are out in the trenches and fields with you.
Be so, so loving and kind to yourself and know that you are not alone and there is not a soul here who could not have written what you described in one way or another. I know I could of and still can.
I think that our sisters of the heart have crafted some beautiful comments full of wisdom. Please receive them as they have been given, with love and care.
I am SO very sorry that you are experiencing this on top of everything else you are trying to navigate, truly I am.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Gina, my heart breaks for you!! I experianced the loss of what I thought were good friends, after the death of my husband, nine years ago. It seems the same thing has happened again, after my son died, three years ago.
I have learned that people just do not know what to say to us. When they have offered advice, more than once, they think that should be the end of it. It is not!!! Ours is a forever pain, that never ends. For some, it is just too hard, to remain our friends. Sad, but true!!!
All I can suggest is to take such wonderful care of yourself, right now. You need it and it is so important to cocoon ourselves and wait to heal. Thank God, for this site, to vent on and connect with women who truly care and totally undrstand.
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Gina, everyone has said perfect responses to your journal. I want you to know that I truly understand and completely agree. I feel so needy with people that don\'t call. I try to keep some connections, but they are not anything deep. It is too much for everyone. How lucky we are to have each other. Hugs, Kathy
When friends or even family slip away when we need them the most, it is hurtful. I\'ve been trying to deal with my family not being there for me for over 6 yrs now. It seems their reasons & excuses really don\'t make it easier for us. Through intense grief therapy I\'m coming to grips with this reality & trying to accept \"what is\". In the meantime trying to focus on taking care of myself. Wow.....this is such a change, because I was the one who cared for everyone else. Most of us moms were like that.
For 5 yrs after I lost my sons, I wasn\'t able to let my feelings out, kind of like stuck. It was only when I came here to FMO & finding an excellent therapist that I felt safe enough to talk about my feelings. It has been a huge step in my healing. Once not too long ago when talking to one of my sisters, I thought it was ok to share with her. Not so. That lesson is still painful to me.
I am so thankful that I do have these couple safe places if I need to talk, vent, cry or whatever. Gina, you will find your safe places too, it may take some time, but it will be so healing for you. Hugs of understanding dear friend......Vicki