Looming occasions

As my birthday approaches, I realize that I think of special occasions with a different perspective now.  I used to look forward to holidays and anniversaries.  Now I dread them.  I survived Christmas, New Years and Valentines Day.  I poured my efforts into my children and kept my mind busy.  It was still painful at the end of the day and I had to think at bedtime.  
Now, my birthday approaches and I am anxious.  Tom always made my birthday special.  However, last year we just went to dinner, even though I had hinted that I wanted to go to a concert. I was a little annoyed he didn't pick up on the cues.  Now I feel so guilty that I didn't appreciate him and the beautiful dinner date we had. I read that guilty feelings like this one are normal.  They just make me feel worse.  
I miss him so much.