looking for the worthiness

I guess things are alright. I struggled to find the worthiness of myself to do something today. I think how others have to decide what to do as well. I don't know why it is such a struggle for me to conceive and follow through on actions. Feel unworthy, and I stop myself from doing what I'd like to do and that's buying some beer and watching tv.
I am trying to cut out alcohol - haven't had a drink for nearly a month. I am starting to lose weight which is nice.

So I did the dishes, I am doing laundry and the TV is off. Now I am in front of the laptop and I guess I could do the weekly grocery shopping - though I have thought that would be done on Monday.Maybe I'll go to the gym. Why doesn't anything seem worthwhile?

I went to work today - felt tossed around a great deal - but kept at it...Came home feeling just humble and grateful the work day is done and now just trying to see the patterns that might illucidate my questions with answers as to how to self manage. It feels like I just want to self pleasure, self soothe - like eating or drinking or giving to myself in a way that's just about consuming. I wish I could access the child mind within me to see the world with fresh excited eyes that would be eager for a project...but now in truth I am the old adult who sits at the ready to take care of responsibilities and pretty darn scared to move a bit that would take him outside that safe protected and measured direction.

Things are alright. My mood is kind of grumpy - humble - but I can't complain - I just have to some how find a way somehow to look past this browbeaten self - from being tossed around at work - and kind of resigned to humility at home - and be brave enough to venture forth in any way shape or fashion.
When I have been excited about doing something a couple of people in my life have smirked...mmhh 'an event.' 

Whatever the characterization might be, whatever I might want it to be - I'll just keep at it. Sending prayers up to heaven!!