Looking back on Jessica.

Today I went thru all my little letters to whom ever, myself, my daughter and God. Reading all my feelings, thoughts and emotions made me remember something that I forgot about myself. I remember how much problems I got In my life. I remembered that the beginning of my problems started really young and by self medicating myself at that age wasn't the right thing at all. But how is an eleven year old suppose to know that. I didn't know it was gonna screw me up even more in the long run. I didn't know it was gonna take me down that darker and more self hatred path. Of course what I've done to my daughter is the worse of all the pain I put on anybody ever. And I done some foul shit. I busted a 40oz bottle over this guy's head so I can purposely take his money and car. I beat the crap out of this one pathetic girl in front of her two twin daughters because she accused me of stealing her purse with a iPhone and mp3 she said was in it. I wouldn't of done that and told her I wasn't gonna put hAnds on her in front of her twins. But she took that a whole nother way and thought I was going to except her keep accusing me. Boy was she wrong. Now when I see her in the streets she runs from me , leaving her kids behind. I even see the fear in her kids eyes when they look at me. I wish I could change that. I don't want them to fear me. I wish they never had to witness they're mother getting beaten back and fourth like a tether ball. I told her to get out of my face and stop accusing me or she was gonna regret it. She regrets it now. Going back on my old notes of myself , I forgot about this 80 or 90 year old man I robbed. He is probably the only person that I robbed and did the less damage to. I knew I was going to do it but I knew not to hurt him. I always have it in my head that-that's someone's father, that was someone's son, someone's brother. And I start to think what if that was my father,brother, grandpa or son. How would I feel ,?  I'd probably think it's my fault. Karma came back for me. I don't want that to happen to the men in my family that I love. That why, when I was to the point of desperation and had to stop prostituting because it was dark outside and I never become that lady of the night because I'm scared that is when ill die. I only prostitute during the day (and plus I got bad eye sight and can't see the cops in the district). When I robbed that cute little old man, I never once wanted him to feel pain. I never hit him. Never knocked him down  and never took his whole wallet.  I had simple polite conversation's with him and asked him for change. He was sitting in the driver seat of his van after just eating alone at Denny's and when he took out his wallet I apologized to him and said I had kids to feed. My kids were my addiction. I told that to every one as I worked on my track on the hoe stroll. So I grab his wallet out of his hand while he looked at me with a open mouth. And I opened his wallet, took out his money and thru his wallet rite back in his lap. I knew to not take his wallet just like I knew I didn't want him to bruise. I knew how hard it would be for him to get new insurance cards and pharmaceutical cards and etc what was in his wallet. I didn't need that stuff. Just the paper Money. I don't even want the plastic. I love my daughter Journi. I love her that I want to break this cycle, this chain of addiction. I don't want it to run in the family coming to four generations of mother and daughter getting hi with each other as my mom does with me , then I with her and her with her own. I don't want that. This kills me. I don't want my daughter to sell her body for money or give head for money. I don't want to teach her what to look for in a person before you robb them. She most likely won't be as lucky as me and never catch a STD or act ignorant by beating a lady in front of her children. I don't want her to grow up learning how to survive in the streets of Pasadena before learning how to make her own earthquake emergency kit like they teach in elementary. I don't want her to put anything above learning her school work. I want her to have more then me and not having to see more then me in the streets. I only seen her for one hour last week (compared to two hours every week). This breaks my heart and is seeming to break me down a whole lot more now too. I want to raise her right. I don't want to get caught cheating and lieing. I take weekly random drug tests in front of a female employee and I haven't had a dirty test yet (knock on wood). That's what I mean when I say I'm lieing and cheating. I want to clean up my life style for my daughter's life style and future life style. Just don't want to be a horrible person anymore or not deserve her. !I want to REALLY apologize to her and to the Lord above for all the damage I've caused and conflicted upon her. She didn't and still doesn't deserve any of the pain I created. I know she'll know I didn't, when she reads all my kept journals that I kept for the beginning of her birth and after. I love her .