looking at things from different angles
I went to work today, and it went alright. I was nervous at first because of a lingering 'loose end' that I needed to take care of when work was over with regards to my health insurance...I kind of fixated on the anxiety at the beginning and I realized I needed to just do the work and not worry about this task so much.
It wasn't a stellar day - but I got the work done. I got my 'loose end' handled when I got home too. That felt good.
So that's good.
I sat at my desk wondering what I should do with my life after that.. It was shifting gears in a big way.. Started thinking along the lines of 'it's time to start thinking about the future' - rather than just relaxing and recuperate from the work day.
I didn't really know how to think about it...My mind doesn't seem to have a 'center' at times or a sense of what I like..
Along these lines as well, I have been trying to think about what I'd like to do lately slowly more and more - but I have been trying to think about it (goal searching) - according to my nature - trying to set myself up for success by choosing something that would suit me - rather than be
a HUGE DREAM..
Now today I find myself thinking about that again - and I think part of me thinks in terms of 'grand ideas'- and the practicalities of the job - feel like something I need to embrace rather than reject.
Why does everything I do on my own seem not so worthwhile to me. I want to embrace what I do - and make it mine...rather than feel that solo walk into the future with dejection.
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I think when I start to think about my future - I go into a kind of dreamy place - well not so much of a dreamy place - but I can really give myself a lot of pleasure - I am ok at that -
But I know I have to be self responsible as well. I need provide for my needs I guess we all do, and so taking care as I need to do is remind myself that I have to give myself the income I need..I don't have to rain on my 'parade' but
maybe I am doing what is my job in life..
Sorry - I am having a hard time making sense of this. I feel like if I turn my ruminations into philosophy I can act on them... I guess I need to just act and not worry so much about it all being perfect - muddling through - and be sure to recognize my goals reached and push myself along...
I think the best thing to do is what gives you pleasure, for the most part. Of course, we aren't always happy at work even if we love our jobs. Anyway, that's the way it is for me. Thinking about the future too much gives me anxiety. I think it's great that it gives you pleasure.
thanks becky.. i guess I wrote that wrong - but thinking about the future does force me to consider things I don't usually consider - so it stretches me...
Big hug for you sweetie..... What about breaking down into time frames?....
What do I want to accomplish today?
What would I like to accomplish in the next month?.....xo
Where would I like to be in the next year?.... The next 5 years etc
thanks Jan. That's a really good idea. I can get frozen mentally.