LonlIeness
I'm pretty fucking lonely right now. I just had a drink. Only one. I was gonna go over my friend's house but I was too tired. So I stayed in. Normally I overeat at this point. But I know that won't help. I just feel lonely. Lonely and scared that I'll never stop being lonely.
After all I've been through I finally feel like I'm okay. I'm not perfect, no one is. But I'm okay. I can get up and go to work all day- no problem. Got a marketing plan in place. All of that. I'm making moves in my business and I'm happy about it. So all of that is good. Really good.
But what's it all worth if there's no one to share it with. I just want to meet someone really bad. I want to have someone to like my personality and who thinks I'm pretty. All that gay shit that goes on in relationships. I want it. I'm ready for it. I feel like I deserve it. But I haven't had it in forever. And when I had it it was very far from healthy. In fact it was 100% abusive. Just a bunch of pipe dreams.
Fuck- my brother just came home and I'm lonely so I told him that I quit for a week and he just told me how he can just casually smoke. Fuck him. He's in the biggest level of denial there is. He's a legend in his own mind though- just like my dad.
But back to being lonely. Next time I'm just gonna drink some fucking coffee and go out. I'm not 50. Fuck being too tired to go out. Then again there's a good chance I would have gotten high if I went over there and that would have been really bad for me. So for that - its good I didn't go.
Its just a bad night. That's all. I'm just gonna keep trying to social and be around people I like. I guess if and when I'm meant to find someone I will. I just don't know if I am. Fuck. Time to believe in unicorns once again.
After all I've been through I finally feel like I'm okay. I'm not perfect, no one is. But I'm okay. I can get up and go to work all day- no problem. Got a marketing plan in place. All of that. I'm making moves in my business and I'm happy about it. So all of that is good. Really good.
But what's it all worth if there's no one to share it with. I just want to meet someone really bad. I want to have someone to like my personality and who thinks I'm pretty. All that gay shit that goes on in relationships. I want it. I'm ready for it. I feel like I deserve it. But I haven't had it in forever. And when I had it it was very far from healthy. In fact it was 100% abusive. Just a bunch of pipe dreams.
Fuck- my brother just came home and I'm lonely so I told him that I quit for a week and he just told me how he can just casually smoke. Fuck him. He's in the biggest level of denial there is. He's a legend in his own mind though- just like my dad.
But back to being lonely. Next time I'm just gonna drink some fucking coffee and go out. I'm not 50. Fuck being too tired to go out. Then again there's a good chance I would have gotten high if I went over there and that would have been really bad for me. So for that - its good I didn't go.
Its just a bad night. That's all. I'm just gonna keep trying to social and be around people I like. I guess if and when I'm meant to find someone I will. I just don't know if I am. Fuck. Time to believe in unicorns once again.
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