Long Time...
It's been a LONG time since I've been on here. I hope that everyone is well! In this long amount of time things have changed so drastically, but yet not at the same time.
Currently I am preparing myself, or trying to, to get ready for jury trial in December. The thought of seeing him again has began to over-run my life once again. I am having nightmares, flashbacks... I am hearing his voice again! I tried reaching out to a local support group member when they first started, but haven't heard from her since. I just want it to stop. I have gotten my family care doctor involved and she has prescribed me the same medication as before, which I had to stop taking because it caused me to feel "numb" to the world.
I don't want to feel things, don't get me wrong, but the part of me that wants to keep fighting wants to know what I am going through. When I get that "numb" feeling, I want nothing to do with the world, could care less about what is happening around me and truly just don't care anymore. Good Lord, it's been almost three years since I officially left him and the whole situation, I should be past this... right???
The worst part is, I've gone through the contemplating stage of all of this. I contemplated if I really could have changed him, when that happened I thought about what life might look like if I just dropped all of it. Dropped the charges, the protection order, all of it. I've thought of it, longer than I should have. But I have! and now all I want to know is, how? How does somebody know they have actually made it away from someone? How do you "move on"? How do you trust? How do you freaking love someone agian?
I want to be better, I want to forget, I want to let go. Not just of the pat, of all of it. I want to just let go! My best friend of 7+ years has told me he'll be there no matter what, but honestly, I want to give up. I want to stop trying. I want to stop being "strong" for everyone, I want to just disappear long enough for everyone to ever remember I exsist.
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Steadying support while you face the upcoming court challenge. Keep your heels down, cowgirl. It is going to be a rough ride.
Time has no meaning in the healing process. ~Algonquin proverb
"Just get over it" has yet to work for me. Repression is the closest I ever achieved for just getting over it in my countless efforts to just it all. Alas, the just getting has crumbled every time, sooner or later. Typically sooner, when I am honest with myself. Reminders are everywhere.
I've gotten much further with processing those traumatic memories far enough that they no longer have the power to derail my current day. The memories are still there, but I can step over them like stains on the sidewalk. They remain ugly as sin, but they no longer blind me to the miraculous flower growing from the cracks in the sidewalk.