Long Ramble/Update Thing
I had plans for myself and had things I wanted to do and get done. But, I haven't gotten them done yet and have made some stupid decisions since the last time I was here.
I'm very stressed out because there's alot of pressure on me. I don't want to say exactly what it is. But, I only have a few months to do 2 certain things and most likely I can only have one and not the other. There's a very small amount of time that I have left to do anything.
It's either let myself down or let the person that I love more than anything in the world down.
I'm currently not doing too well and wish for more time to get things done. I'm slowly running out of money and currently looking for a job again. My friend told me to give my car up, since most of the money is going towards paying for the insurance. I'd do it if it was just any old car. But, I fought for so many months just to have that car. Specifically got a job and a license just to have that car. To give it up would be an insult to myself and that car symbolizes that first feeling of independance I've had. I don't want to take my independance away, that's all I really have left at this point.
Time goes by faster for me now. A day is nothing but a blink and the week goes by as if it were a dream. I'm stuck in my own endless cycle and I'm trying to break it, but it's difficult. I'm the only one who can do this though.
Some days I give up. Some days I just pretend as if nothings wrong, when I'm really very stressed. The whole month of February, I did give up though. I didn't do anything, barely ate, and barely slept. Tried to pretend like I was fine and ignored all of my problems. But, I know my problems won't go away. I felt like I failed myself and I felt like I failed my boyfriend.
He knows what I'm going through and has always been there for me, even when we were just friends. He stays with me when I make terrible choices and still loves me when I hurt his soul so deeply. I always thought it was him that needed me more. But, I realize, we love eachother so much. If anything were to happen to one of us and we couldnt be together anymore, it would destroy us.
He's very kind, but not very well understood. I understand him completely and other people don't. People try to change him, but there's no point in changing someone who is a way better person than most people.
I finally understand how much he loves me and it took me 3 years to really understand this. It's the best feeling in the world. All I can do is stay and love him for as long as I'm able to. I've never loved someone this much before and neither has he.
He's very lonely and never had someone to care about him like I do. I was raised with my aunts, uncles, mom, brother, sister, cousins and friends. Even though I was really depressive, I knew that they were there, even if they didn't know what the problem was. But, my boyfriend was raised by 2 grandparents and his family is more broken up than mine is. He says that most of his family left him alone, as if he didn't exist. So, his friends became his family. Everytime he would go home from school, he would just be alone.
He was really angry and upset at the world when I met him. Something about me made him change. Just talking to him and trying to understand him, made him change. He has a very low opinion about himself and he shouldn't because he's a terrific person. He's been alone for so long, just the thought of me not coming back makes him terribly afraid. I love him more than anything in the world.
Anyway, I need to get back on track. My choices that I've done for the past 2 months haven't been good. I gave up and the only reason I want to get back on track is because of my boyfriend. He believes in me and that's all I really need.
I'm very stressed out because there's alot of pressure on me. I don't want to say exactly what it is. But, I only have a few months to do 2 certain things and most likely I can only have one and not the other. There's a very small amount of time that I have left to do anything.
It's either let myself down or let the person that I love more than anything in the world down.
I'm currently not doing too well and wish for more time to get things done. I'm slowly running out of money and currently looking for a job again. My friend told me to give my car up, since most of the money is going towards paying for the insurance. I'd do it if it was just any old car. But, I fought for so many months just to have that car. Specifically got a job and a license just to have that car. To give it up would be an insult to myself and that car symbolizes that first feeling of independance I've had. I don't want to take my independance away, that's all I really have left at this point.
Time goes by faster for me now. A day is nothing but a blink and the week goes by as if it were a dream. I'm stuck in my own endless cycle and I'm trying to break it, but it's difficult. I'm the only one who can do this though.
Some days I give up. Some days I just pretend as if nothings wrong, when I'm really very stressed. The whole month of February, I did give up though. I didn't do anything, barely ate, and barely slept. Tried to pretend like I was fine and ignored all of my problems. But, I know my problems won't go away. I felt like I failed myself and I felt like I failed my boyfriend.
He knows what I'm going through and has always been there for me, even when we were just friends. He stays with me when I make terrible choices and still loves me when I hurt his soul so deeply. I always thought it was him that needed me more. But, I realize, we love eachother so much. If anything were to happen to one of us and we couldnt be together anymore, it would destroy us.
He's very kind, but not very well understood. I understand him completely and other people don't. People try to change him, but there's no point in changing someone who is a way better person than most people.
I finally understand how much he loves me and it took me 3 years to really understand this. It's the best feeling in the world. All I can do is stay and love him for as long as I'm able to. I've never loved someone this much before and neither has he.
He's very lonely and never had someone to care about him like I do. I was raised with my aunts, uncles, mom, brother, sister, cousins and friends. Even though I was really depressive, I knew that they were there, even if they didn't know what the problem was. But, my boyfriend was raised by 2 grandparents and his family is more broken up than mine is. He says that most of his family left him alone, as if he didn't exist. So, his friends became his family. Everytime he would go home from school, he would just be alone.
He was really angry and upset at the world when I met him. Something about me made him change. Just talking to him and trying to understand him, made him change. He has a very low opinion about himself and he shouldn't because he's a terrific person. He's been alone for so long, just the thought of me not coming back makes him terribly afraid. I love him more than anything in the world.
Anyway, I need to get back on track. My choices that I've done for the past 2 months haven't been good. I gave up and the only reason I want to get back on track is because of my boyfriend. He believes in me and that's all I really need.
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