Lonely - Trigger Warning

I'm afraid of being that one person who just disappears when I die. Just someone who quietly disappears back into the earth. No one notices, no one cares. I would have lived a pointless life, a painful life. So this brings into question, Why live? Why bother? I'm going to have accomplished the same when I die an old lonely man as I have now. So why don't I just kill myself now? Why not just not bother with the long, painful, lonely, and pointless life and end it all now? Right this very moment slice my throat, opening my jugular and tearing my windpipe so that I can bleed out while I drown in my own blood. Thats what I have been thinking for the last little bit. No I don't think thats what I am going to do, whether I am being a "pussy" or I am actually making a good decision, I do not know. 
 
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to die alone. But if I am to be alone, then I will die alone. Very soon. Not tonight though, if I'm going to do it I'm going to be prepared. I'm not going to fuck up a suicide, and I guess I won't go out without a final message.