Lonely

Well, I acually made it online without my computer freezeing. I really haved missed ds and connecting to people.It seems as if  everyone i used to talk to is no longer here... i am continuely surrounded by people in my home but still lonely...everyone is busy with thier own thoughts.i have been spending alot of time thinking about my life,how it has been and how it will be and why are things the way they are.i feel likea philosifer,how ever you spell it. i worry and think to much.my life like most have been filled with struggles , stress, lonliness and deppression.in 2005 my life forever changed and its been very hard for me to change with it.i do the best i can by continuely telling myself to just except the way things are and not to dwell on issues i cannot control or change. that pretty much works for me except i hav a husband who is miserable and pretty much bitches about EVERYTHING 24/7.i know he brings me down much more than i normally would be.i would say our biggest stress is money and the lack of it.we are both on disability trying to raise four kids....well so called kids,two are acually considered adults 18 & 21.but still my kids just the same.i am not a greedy person ,and am very thankful to have a roof over our heads,even if the house is in need of great repair,we have hot water,electric and sometimes good heat , and we are all together..the heat and food sometimes becomes an issue but we manage al the same.some days i truly feel the stress is gonna kill me,trying to keep everything going and feeling all alone....mom, i am hungry,mom i need this ,mom i need that.hubby is pissed because i cant afford beer and cigs on the weekend...are you kidding me???? i worry about a whole family haveing utilities, food ,toilet paper,shampoo,laundry soap and hes worried about him.nothing new,i have been doing this for years.just a good night to sit alone crying and venting ,i guess.the other night we decided to take the youngest two out for dinner, since they needed the expensive school supplies,i love buying every year.we havent treated ourselves in forever....well we shouldnt have because i have been sick over the money spent since we went out.i didnt even enjoy my meal after the bill came....i felt so guilty spending the money we didnt have......how is it fair for so many to be able to enjoy simple pleasures while so many of us have to struggle ALL the time.? I sometimes get so jealous and angery just going to walmart and looking at peoples carts...how can they afford new things?? why can they buy lots of food ,while i try to feed 9 people with twenty bucks??yes i said 9 people.i have gained a few over the years who have had no place to go...some try to help out and some just cant..well i feel like i cant anymore...let someone else worry and try to stretch a dollar.whoever said money cant buy happiness ,was a fool .at least it would provide peace of mind and maybe a few more years to live....