living with it

I went to work this morning and I got a lot done.

While I worked, I started to think about how, when you live in the city or

have a lot of 'exposure to different things' in life

- you tend to think about what you're doing in life

with a sense of judgement...like social judgements 

... and lose vision of and don't give yourself half-a-chance to 

just pay attention to what you're 'actually enjoying' in life...

I tend to think of absolutes regarding what I want to go out and do - even in a situation

as simple as free time after work - many minefields to life

while growing up are atributable and I am trying to lose that habit...

I'm starting to appreciate my life! :) 

It's at times very hard to just embrace my own particular take on life..my perspective...

and just enjoy the view of what I am doing... 

I think I need to allow myself a bit of fantasy about what I am planning to 

enjoy. Like yesterday I did that. I thought about buying a bottle of Ouzo. Being of

Greek descent - I wondered what I would do with my free time if my ancestor never left 

Greece (and thus I were living there)

...I'd have a job and then come home from work - shower and dress and maybe

make my way down into the village towards the Taverna and have a glass of Ouzo and hang out while

some dude played the mandolin in the corner :). 

That was my fantasy yesterday. I thought it would be a nice whimsical treat to have

a bottle of Ouzo in the fridge for a little while..

My mind can get so panicked and monolithic

and blank about choices, even simple choices and what to do with my time. I am so abstracted

and pulling pieces together usually in my head - so I was glad that this little fantasy happily motivated me

and I went seeking the Ouzo (didn't find it but it was a good adventure anyways!) :)

Nothing major to fret about - I wasn't missing out on something I was supposed to be

doing - I told myself like as though I were just enjoying an afternoon putting together a puzzle or game at home - it was just a fun little creative thing. :) no FOMO. 

I am finding I guess, too, that I can look for a group to 'belong to' in my pursuits of action out there

(it all points to - I am reminded here - the existential moments my therapist has talked about that people with non traditional life arcs experience - life isn't so easily planned out and so perhaps that is what this is all about - that and the illness itself)

as like I am searching to 'choose a team' - choose some team 

to fight along side with in life and struggle with - teamwork! And maybe a lot of it is identity stuff - (yes)

But I don't know maybe that's just

my issue again (yes) - I so look for like a pro forma or icon to fulfill as a way of making

what I choose to do - some kind of predictable or understandable thing before I go for it.

I'm also finding that when I start to think about what to do with my time I can be so controlled by my appetite rather than look above or beyond my appetite and then plan a path-

- rather than obsessively or compulsively feed my hunger as the primary answer....

I am learning though! 

I know the stuff here I write is pretty crazy - but I feel like I've got my sea legs seasoned enough

for living with it - that I would I think almost like to help others - to become a social worker

to navigate and negotiate life struggles for and with others. Seems like a really rewarding thing.

God willing my sanity will permit - whatever I ultimately choose -

- here's wishing and aiming that I'll 

start to find again and continue like I mentioned last nighttime post - that I'll journey on with the creating of a viable life

in the future ....that will be good stuff!!