living with BiPolar Disorder and CFS
Bi-Polar disorder is one of those 'treatable' conditions which preclude a CFS diagnosis. So as far as the medical community is concerned I can't have CFS because I have BPD.
My experience with the 2 illnesses has been interesting. I think maybe I developed BPD in my teens even though I was only diagnosed about 3 years ago (after developing CFS). I have BPD type II which means I don't get manic, instead I become hypo-manic or 'really, REALLY wired'.
I have always described myself as passionate .. other people may use less flattering words...
Here is an example of BPD
- setting out to build a 10' * 7' set of 'castle doors' from 2" lumber. Just woke up one day and decided that is what I wanted to do. So I sat down and designed it structurally, went to the hardware, got my lumber and got on with it. Doors took 5 pieces of lumber per side. I had difficulty lifting 1 piece of lumber so it did not take long to figure out I was probably in over my head. This did not stop me though, I employed the laws of physics.. built a bunch of levers and supports and got it done (you should have seen me teetering on an old desk 30' above ground).
Damn door nearly fell on me a few times. Took 5 attempts to get it installed. Then I had to do it all over again (two doors). Got them both hung, then realized I'd miscalculated and they wouldn't swing properly. Pulled them down and did them again.
Ended up installing and reinstalling those doors three times (in one weekend). Did I mention those buggers probably weigh 100lbs apiece and are 10 ft high!
I have a bunch of similar stories since I started working on my house. Bouts of almost superhuman energy and determination. I have built doors, kitchen counters and cupboards, laid tiles, installed toilets, run electrical... There was the fun night when I bought a glass shower enclosure and spent 4 hrs getting it off the top of my car without breaking it all by myself while my neighbor watched from his verandah (you know I was cussing him under my breath the entire time).
This is just a sample of my bipolar side. There is no obstacle too large for me to tackle. I don't believe in failure, where others see obstacles I see creative solutions. Call me Don Quixote, I love to charge at Windmills.
About every 3 years I need a new challenge in my life. So we did one degree (working full-time throughout and also being extremely socially active), then worked then did another degree (actually 2 simultaneously) then did a bunch of hobbies, then started own business, then had a kid, then...
Then I got CFS.
Then all the belly dancing, and tae kwon do, and poetry and drama and teaching, and mentoring, and entrepreneuring .. LIFE came to a screeching halt!
Difference since CFS? Well, with BPD I'd run 100 miles an hour, shut down for a couple of days (reading hundreds of pages per day) then switch back on and do it all over again. With BPD I was pretty happy with life although once every few years I'd experience crushing bouts of depression.
I also experienced a lot of the social adjustment issues which come with BPD, like just feeling out of step with the world. I simply accepted that I was one of those rare folk who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Truth is , I kinda liked it! There's is a tremendous freedom which comes with not giving a crap what others think.
With CFS being different is beginning to bother me. Because this time being different means not good enough. It means not being able to do the things normal people can, concepts such as trailblazing, setting the bar, redefining reality, just doing ME .. those seem so far away...
I don't recall ever experiencing fatigue with BPD. I stopped when I needed to but it was not because I felt tired.. never mind the mind-numbing, crushing fatigue associated with CFS. I was always able to push my body to its limits and beyond. I actually looked forward to it.
With CFS I am afraid. Afraid to push my limits because the consequences are so cruel. I am anxious, fearful, uncertain, insecure ... I did not know these feelings before CFS.
When I had BPD and I was depressed, I would be lethargic but I would walk for hours, just lost in my own head. I could undertake grueling physical work. With CFS I walk 10 minutes and I crash.
With BPD I was so creative. I could find solutions for any problem and I came up with stuff other people simply do not imagine. Best part was, no matter how far off the wall my concepts were, I could always bring them to fruition. With CFS I end up with a bunch of unfinished stuff which makes no sense to anyone but me. My creativity hurts because I can no longer realize my vision.
I often experience both conditions simultaneously, and I can tell them apart. When both come together in sync I am on top of the world.
A few times per year, I naturally cycle into a hypomanic state. In this state I have boundless energy, I laugh easily, creative ideas flow, my brain just processes things so quickly, solutions appear and everything is possible. When this aligns with CFS it is great because I experience a prolonged remission which is unusual with CFS. Yes I still have to pace, and will experience day-to-day CFS crash-recover cycles but overall I do so much better.
When I am on a BPD high and a CFS low, it is torture. I literally wake up with so much energy I want to bust out of my skin, but my feet don't work the way they should, my hands don't grip things, my heart races, I'm sweating, I'm dizzy, I'm weak BUT I CANT SHUT DOWN. My brain keeps buzzing, I need to release the energy, my body is in a state of agitation .. of course this makes CFS worse .. aaaargh!
When BPD cycles down then the CFS journey mentally becomes so much harder. A BPD low results in depression. So its so much harder to consciously try to manage the negative headspace that naturally comes with CFS. It is not unusual for a BPD low to cause suicidal ideation. Add this to the stress of a life with CFS .. not good.
I love being Bi-polar. In fact I refused medical treatment to 'level' my condition. I HATE CFS.
I truly cant understand why doctors think that PBD precludes CFS, the symptoms may sound similar on paper, but trust me .. the experiences are definitely NOT the same.
My experience with the 2 illnesses has been interesting. I think maybe I developed BPD in my teens even though I was only diagnosed about 3 years ago (after developing CFS). I have BPD type II which means I don't get manic, instead I become hypo-manic or 'really, REALLY wired'.
I have always described myself as passionate .. other people may use less flattering words...
Here is an example of BPD
- setting out to build a 10' * 7' set of 'castle doors' from 2" lumber. Just woke up one day and decided that is what I wanted to do. So I sat down and designed it structurally, went to the hardware, got my lumber and got on with it. Doors took 5 pieces of lumber per side. I had difficulty lifting 1 piece of lumber so it did not take long to figure out I was probably in over my head. This did not stop me though, I employed the laws of physics.. built a bunch of levers and supports and got it done (you should have seen me teetering on an old desk 30' above ground).
Damn door nearly fell on me a few times. Took 5 attempts to get it installed. Then I had to do it all over again (two doors). Got them both hung, then realized I'd miscalculated and they wouldn't swing properly. Pulled them down and did them again.
Ended up installing and reinstalling those doors three times (in one weekend). Did I mention those buggers probably weigh 100lbs apiece and are 10 ft high!
I have a bunch of similar stories since I started working on my house. Bouts of almost superhuman energy and determination. I have built doors, kitchen counters and cupboards, laid tiles, installed toilets, run electrical... There was the fun night when I bought a glass shower enclosure and spent 4 hrs getting it off the top of my car without breaking it all by myself while my neighbor watched from his verandah (you know I was cussing him under my breath the entire time).
This is just a sample of my bipolar side. There is no obstacle too large for me to tackle. I don't believe in failure, where others see obstacles I see creative solutions. Call me Don Quixote, I love to charge at Windmills.
About every 3 years I need a new challenge in my life. So we did one degree (working full-time throughout and also being extremely socially active), then worked then did another degree (actually 2 simultaneously) then did a bunch of hobbies, then started own business, then had a kid, then...
Then I got CFS.
Then all the belly dancing, and tae kwon do, and poetry and drama and teaching, and mentoring, and entrepreneuring .. LIFE came to a screeching halt!
Difference since CFS? Well, with BPD I'd run 100 miles an hour, shut down for a couple of days (reading hundreds of pages per day) then switch back on and do it all over again. With BPD I was pretty happy with life although once every few years I'd experience crushing bouts of depression.
I also experienced a lot of the social adjustment issues which come with BPD, like just feeling out of step with the world. I simply accepted that I was one of those rare folk who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Truth is , I kinda liked it! There's is a tremendous freedom which comes with not giving a crap what others think.
With CFS being different is beginning to bother me. Because this time being different means not good enough. It means not being able to do the things normal people can, concepts such as trailblazing, setting the bar, redefining reality, just doing ME .. those seem so far away...
I don't recall ever experiencing fatigue with BPD. I stopped when I needed to but it was not because I felt tired.. never mind the mind-numbing, crushing fatigue associated with CFS. I was always able to push my body to its limits and beyond. I actually looked forward to it.
With CFS I am afraid. Afraid to push my limits because the consequences are so cruel. I am anxious, fearful, uncertain, insecure ... I did not know these feelings before CFS.
When I had BPD and I was depressed, I would be lethargic but I would walk for hours, just lost in my own head. I could undertake grueling physical work. With CFS I walk 10 minutes and I crash.
With BPD I was so creative. I could find solutions for any problem and I came up with stuff other people simply do not imagine. Best part was, no matter how far off the wall my concepts were, I could always bring them to fruition. With CFS I end up with a bunch of unfinished stuff which makes no sense to anyone but me. My creativity hurts because I can no longer realize my vision.
I often experience both conditions simultaneously, and I can tell them apart. When both come together in sync I am on top of the world.
A few times per year, I naturally cycle into a hypomanic state. In this state I have boundless energy, I laugh easily, creative ideas flow, my brain just processes things so quickly, solutions appear and everything is possible. When this aligns with CFS it is great because I experience a prolonged remission which is unusual with CFS. Yes I still have to pace, and will experience day-to-day CFS crash-recover cycles but overall I do so much better.
When I am on a BPD high and a CFS low, it is torture. I literally wake up with so much energy I want to bust out of my skin, but my feet don't work the way they should, my hands don't grip things, my heart races, I'm sweating, I'm dizzy, I'm weak BUT I CANT SHUT DOWN. My brain keeps buzzing, I need to release the energy, my body is in a state of agitation .. of course this makes CFS worse .. aaaargh!
When BPD cycles down then the CFS journey mentally becomes so much harder. A BPD low results in depression. So its so much harder to consciously try to manage the negative headspace that naturally comes with CFS. It is not unusual for a BPD low to cause suicidal ideation. Add this to the stress of a life with CFS .. not good.
I love being Bi-polar. In fact I refused medical treatment to 'level' my condition. I HATE CFS.
I truly cant understand why doctors think that PBD precludes CFS, the symptoms may sound similar on paper, but trust me .. the experiences are definitely NOT the same.
Replies
Oh boy Max. My daughter has had bi-polar disorder since she was nineteen. She, a lot like you, was handling the mania really well. She had very few serious bouts of depression. Add to this...the girl has lupus! OK!! Enough, right? The kid amazes me. I have had to learn how to deal with her BUILD A HOUSE mania (you related that feeling very well in your journal)....sher I HAVE TO MOVE headspace, with her lupus depression and pain, and inability to walk. She has now been diagnosed with fibro. OH YEA!
I\'m the mama. I have to live with this. TIs no easy task, but mother hood is unexplainable....nothing else is more important to me, than her. Period.
I get the conflict between the crash of CFS with the bi-polar mania brain. That must be killer!!! The depression can be severe. I\'ve seen this with my daughter. Also the meds she needs for the bi-polar, and the meds she needs for fibro don\'t necessarily get along!!
Do you take anti anxiety meds? Antidepressants? Mood stabalizers? Just curious, cuz my daughter takes them all and is constantly juggling things around. He shrink lets her do this.
When she calls and says she is manic and going to go shopping and cleaning and take the dog to the vet, and blah blah....ridiculous schedule, I\'ve learned to just let her do it. I don\'t want her, and wouldn\'t warn YOU about doing to much with one disease in high gear, because it will set your other disease off in a bad way. CFS vs. Bi-polar must be brutal.
I\'m glad you wrote this journal, Max. People don\'t realize that these brain chemical related illnesses are killer!! Mix it with CFS and you are double barreled. Not very fair.
Lord bless ya!! What a load to carry. I\'m here anytime you need to talk. I raised a bi-polar child. I\'m pretty used to how it rolls!
I\'m here! xoxo
I have a friend whose husband was Bi-polar, unfortunately he is no longer with us.Libby would often tell me that her husband was suffering with severe adrenal fatigue as a result of overextending himself physically during his manicepisodes.He was a gentle soul and highly intelligent, numerous degrees etc.He was also on bi-polar meds which gave him terrible side effects.I am happy to hear you say that you love being bi-polar.However the extreme physical expenditure from the BPD may very well have caused the cfs.One way or another we have all burnt ouselves out.Take care, pray you heal again.xoxo
Thanks Max for your wonderful journal entry! So well written! I find it very EEERY! I think you\'re describing ME (myself), from age 25-40 approximately, but I never got psychiatric help. I sure as hell wouldn\'t look for it now. The cfs has finally wiped out the energy spurts but I RELATE so much to the wired brain and extreme fatigue. IT IS HELL! I have sought help for anxiety and panic issues over the last year, JUST COMMUNITY GROUPS, not medical. It has helped me somewhat, but I always feel like saying, \"no I\'m different, I have cfs ALONG with this\"
It has been hard on my husband. After 2-3 hrs of rest before dinner time, I would sometimes have an anxiety attack and have to crawl out of my large condo complex to get fresh air, but was panicking that I would collapse the whole time! I\'ve had to figure it out all myself. I would also get very irritable and aggressive, even wanting to throw things, etc.. I felt so guilty. It was like a daily meltdown.
Your post has really helped me.! Thanks.
Can relate Max. I have an anxiety and panic disorder and I\'ve also been dealing with depression lately. So many things going on in my life all at once. I understand. Having extreme weakness AND racing thoughts of anxiety. Ugh. Torture sometimes. I can normally find peace but as I\'ve been telling friends... I can\'t seem to stay there right now. So hard how all our illnesses play off each other! Sending love and peace to you!!!