Living On The Surface
Dear Fred:
It has been a while since I have written to you. It has actually been a while since I have even been on DS. The truth of the matter is that I am out of energy at the moment. I miss being in contact with my DS friends and the friends I have here locally. However, I am just worn out it seems.
I have spent a lot of time the past few months in what I call "living on the surface". The "surface" is where I wear a happy smile, talk in an upbeat manner, go on girls' trips,work on home projects, sign up for classes, go to church once in a while and basically try to stay busy. Sometime it even feels good! However, it also takes a ton of energy.
Deep down inside I still hurt. I still feel empty, hollow and without purpose. If I did what I really honestly want to do, I would curl up in a little ball and sleep forever. It seems so much easier and takes so little energy.
Currently I feel completely drained of energy and the surface seems a long ways up there. I haven't felt well for the past few days, but to be honest , I do not know if not feeling well has created this new backslide into depression or if finally the depression caught up with me and is the reason I do not feel well. It actually is hard to tell.
Today is the 2nd day I have slept nearly around the clock, haven't dressed, haven't combed hair or brushed teeth. It just seems like too much effort to do these things. I just want to lay back down and sleep some more. Part of me is telling me to go with this feeling and take the time off. The other part of me tells me if I don't keep trying I could be on the sofa sleeping for a long long time.
It seems one of the major items missing in my life now is a true purpose I can be really committed to. I visited a "volunteer fair" and talked with the few groups that were there. None of them really clicked with me. I am sure there is more out there. When I really start thinking about doing some serious hunting all of a sudden I lose the energy and will to actually go do it. I think I am being my own worst enemy and am not sure how to stop it.
I am hoping that how I feel now really is a bug of some sort that makes me feel unwell enough to bring me down and not the other way around. The "not feeling well" has kept me from talking with or contacting friends, kept me from house work and is keeping me from projects I have thought of that I think I would like to do.... just no energy to do them with!
Fred, I have written this down in hopes of helping myself sort out what is actually happening and how to handle it. I really do not feel well. I think today I will go ahead and give myself another day of rest but at least brush my teeth! Then tomorrow I will make myslef get up, get dressed and actually DO something.
Thank you for listening to me, Fred.
Darlene Sept. 25, 2012
It has been a while since I have written to you. It has actually been a while since I have even been on DS. The truth of the matter is that I am out of energy at the moment. I miss being in contact with my DS friends and the friends I have here locally. However, I am just worn out it seems.
I have spent a lot of time the past few months in what I call "living on the surface". The "surface" is where I wear a happy smile, talk in an upbeat manner, go on girls' trips,work on home projects, sign up for classes, go to church once in a while and basically try to stay busy. Sometime it even feels good! However, it also takes a ton of energy.
Deep down inside I still hurt. I still feel empty, hollow and without purpose. If I did what I really honestly want to do, I would curl up in a little ball and sleep forever. It seems so much easier and takes so little energy.
Currently I feel completely drained of energy and the surface seems a long ways up there. I haven't felt well for the past few days, but to be honest , I do not know if not feeling well has created this new backslide into depression or if finally the depression caught up with me and is the reason I do not feel well. It actually is hard to tell.
Today is the 2nd day I have slept nearly around the clock, haven't dressed, haven't combed hair or brushed teeth. It just seems like too much effort to do these things. I just want to lay back down and sleep some more. Part of me is telling me to go with this feeling and take the time off. The other part of me tells me if I don't keep trying I could be on the sofa sleeping for a long long time.
It seems one of the major items missing in my life now is a true purpose I can be really committed to. I visited a "volunteer fair" and talked with the few groups that were there. None of them really clicked with me. I am sure there is more out there. When I really start thinking about doing some serious hunting all of a sudden I lose the energy and will to actually go do it. I think I am being my own worst enemy and am not sure how to stop it.
I am hoping that how I feel now really is a bug of some sort that makes me feel unwell enough to bring me down and not the other way around. The "not feeling well" has kept me from talking with or contacting friends, kept me from house work and is keeping me from projects I have thought of that I think I would like to do.... just no energy to do them with!
Fred, I have written this down in hopes of helping myself sort out what is actually happening and how to handle it. I really do not feel well. I think today I will go ahead and give myself another day of rest but at least brush my teeth! Then tomorrow I will make myslef get up, get dressed and actually DO something.
Thank you for listening to me, Fred.
Darlene Sept. 25, 2012
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