living in theory

I've been up since early today - around 515am - Blue needed feeding,

I needed to get showered and dressed (just as a matter of habit to get on with and stay inspired with

the promise of the day ahead.)

I felt rotten earlier, I had a weird vibe with the baristas at Starbucks and sometimes

I wonder why I offer them my business, as was the case today. I'll concede I know 

I'm an odd duck - and maybe just the whole routine of slinging mud at 5am in the morning

and making bright eyed conversation might be hard for them - and for me too - I am barely awake

and the contact with them is the first real stimulus I had for the start of the day.

Anyways, I wasn't feeling so good - - but I decided to do the laundry, wash the dishes, play with Blue

and just keep on keeping on...The day wore on - and there were some fine moments

with friends online and family - I feel like I have truly found my community in a sense - it's almost

akin to an ethnicity if I were to make sense of it - a grouping of people of like mindedness - needing the same kinds of things

and so on - we're all needing something at some point in our days and lives my doctor reminds me - it's inspiring me to keep on keeping on !!! It's kind of like I'm finding myself in a way too.. maybe flawed but also in community..and valid! though we all are online (well most of us) which is still something good and wonderful , but also kind of a drawback - :(

I then decided to go to Emil's Bakery - this was later on - for another coffee and a fresh made bearclaw.

Really, really good.

I want to say that the inspiration for this post was just kind of the feeling of languishing (blah), I'm alone on an uneventful day..

having to organize it, like I must, like we all must, I know the pressure is on me and can't wait for someone else to do it  - and I so have to think things through to manage myself and stay energized (as we all do, but maybe some more than most) it seems I find I am kind of living in theory - it just seems a whispy continuity - - recognizing my life as it unfolds - in my sense of things as time goes on, but

realizing too I am spending way, way too much time alone- the only memories are mine of my experiences in a way - here with Blue and me  - for the most part  - 

- and not a lot of shared communal

experience. But I do see my parents. So maybe it's just time for more just plain socializing time. :)

What reminds me to stay conscious - to remember myself as weird as that sounds is that I do feel I have my own inner flame of spirit in my life - the hope for continuity that keeps me going -  when on my own and yet, the thinking things through so much it's as though I live so much in theory - well it's kind of that whispiness I mentioned ...So much in my mind's own construction or maybe better put - the calculus and analysis to help me get along, process and manage the ups and downs, bumps in the road and inevitable narcissistic injuries as my doctor calls it -- but I do share a lot with friends and family if but online.

Maybe it's an after effect of the pandemic- that I am starting to feel just itching to have more of a life than living

in my tiny bubble - It feels a little like I am living some 'after life', "Sixth Sense" - not really realizing my time has come

and gone - and just moving through things - I'll keep heart - and remember to not lose hope - and- maybe that's the languishing speaking - I will look at meetups.com now to see if there's still

a figure drawing class to go to. I feel guilty that I went for a pastry and second coffee at Emil's -

kind of indulgent - and I also had reserved a spot on the Treepeople volunteering event - which i thought

was Monday but was actually this morning.  I won't linger on that....

I hope you guys are having a good day.

Sending peace and good spirit.

Mark