Living In The Darkness

I can see it, the darkness that surrounds me and continues to choke me. The darkness that shields me from the world and protects me. The darkness that I've lived in for most of my life and shrouded myself in. In this darkness is where all my hatred, fear, and pain exists, and I would escape but it's useless, I'm too afraid to leave the darkness, the darkness makes me feel safe yet at the same time it slowly kills me..... For the past couple days my depression has gotten a lot worse..... I think about suicide and cutting again..... but I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to end back up in the hospital and miss school and get bad marks..... so in a way I feel trapped..... I wish I could see hope..... In my life there is 2 things I want right now, to have a true and real family, and to know what true love feels like (not the kind with dating but the kind of love you get from someone that will always be there) and well, I don't know what to do anymore..... On the inside I'm hurting but on the outside I look like I'm the happiest kid in the world, no one understands how hard it is to put on a fake smile everyday and continuously wear it even though it gets harder to every second..... I hate feeling like this.... and now my dreams are starting to become dark again..... All I can dream about is people dying or people committing suicide and it all hurts..... I feel like every breathe I take becomes more painful and every breathe continues to choke me..... I wish I had some help..... I'm not ok..... I'm not in any way alright..... :'(