Living in Shame
**possible trigger** How do you it? Live day after day with the memories? The flashbacks? How can I get through a day? When those memories can come unbidden and without warning. In such vividness it's as though I'm there again. Can see, smell, hear, FEEL those horrible things happening to me all over again? Can feel his crushing weight and the stabbing pain. How do I continue? When for the first 18 years of my life I lived in a house where everything was my fault. All the blame was put on me. I was the reason those things happened. He "had" to rape me. Because I was a "bad girl". I asked for it. I was 5 when it started. He had to beat me because I did something wrong. Didn't get good enough marks. Didn't finish doing my chores properly. How do I go on? When at the age of 11 he came into my room while I was changing. And was forced to stand there naked when he video taped me. And yelled at me. And laughed at me. And ridiculed me. I cried for help. I begged him to stop. But it never stopped. Why would it this time? How can I keep living? When these are the only memories of my childhood? When I've believed for so long that they are all my fault. And that I deserved it all. How do you do it? When the memories overpower you? The guilt and shame overtakes you? Your desire just to leave this all behind makes that blade, that bottle of pills, that gun, that whatever, look o so tempting. How do you do it?
Replies
You start playing a new tape over and over in your mind. Instead of allowing those memories engulf you and take over completely...allow them to pass. Start telling yourself that NONE of it was your fault. Even if you don\'t believe it...cause you won\'t. Even after a long period of time of telling yourself that...you may never fully believe it. But it will make the memories a little easier to deal with. Start telling yourself that HE is the one who is sick. HE is the one who is to blame. Keep telling yourself that. EVERY time a memory pops up and starts to invade your mind...once you calm down...always tell yourself(repeatedly if you have) that HE is to blame, HE is the sick one.
You may have all these memories that will take over...but if you keep reminding yourself that YOU were/are the innocent person here...it might help you find a little ease in those memories. I have similar memories too...I wait until I calm down a bit...then I start repeating in my head that it\'s NOT my fault. None of it!!! I may(and you may) never fully believe it...but if you tell yourself that enough...you\'ll start to realize who\'s truly at fault. And you will eventually, on some level believe it to be the truth. It will take A LOT of work...and it won\'t be easy. But, I definitely think it may help. :)
I\'m sorry you had to go through all of this. None of this is your fault at all. HE was the adult, HE was the one who should have been the more RESPONSIBLE person. Why should you carry the guilt and shame and allow his actions to defeat you, when none of it was your fault??? Keep playing a more positive tape. Remind yourself, ALWAYS, that it was NOT your fault. I HOPE I\'ve been able to help. At least a little.
Sweetheart,
All Of The Feelings You Are having.............. I Had Them Too.
My \"father\" Was a monster. I went through many of the same things when I was little. I carried around the feelings of Shame And Self Loathing.
I felt dirty and guilty for a very long time
Sweetheart, Your \"father\" was (Is?) a monster just like mine was.
There is no way that anything that happened to you was your fault.
You were so little. You couldn\'t have stopped him. He was so very wrong to hurt his little girl like he did. I am So Sorry Honey.
Please see That You Are Innocent. This Is Not your burden to carry, It Is his. We are not responsible for the actions of others Honey.
This Is What Monsters Do sweetheart, They try to lay the blame on their victims. DON\'T LET HIM HURT YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These Open, Bleeding Wounds that You Have Right Now Can heal Honey :-) They Can Become Scars. I Have Many Scars, But I hardly ever feel them anymore. This Is What I Want For You :-)
Honey I Will Do Anything In My Power To help You Get Better :-)
You Can Write To Me Anytime. I Have To Go To Work Right Now, But I will check on you when I get Home.
Sweetheart, Please read my profile...........
WallyBear A.K.A. Diane
I am so sorry to hear about what your father did to you, my stepfather did similar to me but not to the extent your father did and the beatings until blood was running own our legs. I don\'t really know what to tell you but you can\'t let him win sweetie. I forgave him and I don\'t dwell on it, I dwell on a lot of things but not that because I know it was never my fault and that was definitely not your fault. You were a defenseless child who should never have had to endure such a thing. Have you tried forgiving him sometimes it sets you free, just a suggestion. Hugs and please try to let it go.
i am SO sorry for everything you had to go through.. but absolutely NONE of this is your fault. Even though it feels like it is, you have to tell yourself that it is HIM, HE\'S the one to blame. HE\'S the monster not you. You are innocent in all of this. just know that there are ppl thinking about you and care about you right now. I read your story and just cried my eyes out. The pain you went thru is unimaginable...but to be stting there at your desk writing about it, you have already takin the first step.
I have many scars myself, and each day is a new struggle, but knowing that there are ppl even on this site that think about me and respond to my worries and cries for help...thats a comfort :)
thanking about you x
This is one of the sadest things I have ever heard. God bless you, you should not have you have lived like that. Have you filed a complaint on the bastard to get justice? Are you seeing a therapist or pdoc? Please do if you have not. God Bless You. You must be a strong person to have lived like that and lived through it.
Hello April, As a father it hurts to know that such a precious gift as a daughters love can be used and twisted so horribly. What the others have said is so true. Absolutely none of this is your fault. You are amazingly strong to survive as you have.Your shame can heal. But like any horrendous wound it needs time and at the very least some very loving caring attention. You may need intensive treatment. But it all rests squarely at your abuser\'s feet. You deserve the chance to know a happy and fulfilling life. It is possible. We are all here to help each other. Someday a precious person like you may need help. You might be the person that can give that help with understanding and compassion. But for now it sounds like you need help. With all my heart I hope that you will get what you need. If I can be of help just let me know. Meanwhile you have my support and most sincere compassion.
April, I was abused by my oldest brother so I can relate to your story. I still have flashbacks if there is a trigger but I know in my heart what the truth is. And you do too - that none of it was your fault. You were abused by a horrific father so lay the blame where it belongs. Be gentle with yourself and let the healing begin. I recommend intensive therapy and likely you will need a psychiatrist. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us here have a psychiatrist and see a therapist for a variety of problems. God bless you for staying strong through all of this. I hope this helps in some small way. hugs
I do go to a counselor.
******SPOLIER VIOLENCE*******
April it takes time to distance yourself from those memories but it is possible - I know because I have done it. My story is different but my father was a monster too. I lived believing it was not a matter of \'if\' he would kill one or more of us, but when he would do it, and if it would be everyone or just one of us. He tried to kill each of us, my mother, my brother and me at least once. He did kill one of our dogs once, he said it was because the dog was suffering and he was too cheap to take it to the vet to have it done properly. It was horrible. I didn\'t and still don\'t have many memories and I\'m glad of that, other things also happened that were painful and I do remember them. I have flashbacks, depersonalization and derealization most of my life. I was overwhelmed and suicidal many times. I should not be alive but I lived and spent years in suicidal fugues.
Slowly, with the help of good therapists the fog lifted. I moved away from my family, my father died. Then my mother. Finally I was free somehow. My mother was not directly abusive but she knew. She was a victim as well but also a party to it as she could have left but didn\'t. She had her own issues. I can\'t say if I\'ve forgiven them, I don\'t know. But I do know I wasn\'t at fault. Now it seems like it was someone else\'s life, long ago, far away. It rarely ambushes me anymore and that is huge.
This used to be the most difficult time of year for me - from September until January. My parents both died in September 20 years apart. My father\'s birthday was Christmas day - imagine how difficult that was! I was pregnant with twins who were due around Thanksgiving but due to the abuse I had a tubal pregnancy and lost them, I almost died in the process too. I was never able to have children after that. My 5 year old nephew killed himself the day before Thanksgiving - we don\'t know if it we intentional - and my father picked a fight with his stepfather on Thanksgiving, I was 13 at the time. It was not unusual in our house to have a fight on a holiday...those are the kind of memories I have of this time of year. But today as I sit here with Christmas fast approaching I am at peace. I will not celebrate it, that would be too much, I will go to work and join in the festivities there and be kind to the patients but I also will not be in agony. And that is amazing.
I know it seems impossible from where you are now, immersed in memories and ambushed by flashbacks but healing IS possible. You have to take it one moment at a time if that\'s all you can do. Find a therapist you can count on, even if you don\'t trust them - I didn\'t like my most helpful therapist and certainly didn\'t trust him but he was there. I once told him I viewed him like the Rock of Gibraltar. He thought I meant cold and hard, I said, no solid and unmovable. Eventually I began to trust and care for him and over time the flashbacks lessened and life got easier.
I am so sorry you had a monster for a father and never had the opportunity to have a dad. I still miss having had a dad and wonder what it must be like, a mom too although my mom was one once in a while so I was luckier with her. Being as young as you are you might find a man who will mentor you and help you fill that void a little but be careful and don\'t fall into the trap of confusing it for love and allow the relationship to become sexual, that will only hurt you more.
Take care April, I hope the support you find here helps.
Each of those events were built on lies given to manipulate an innocent person - you. As the memories come, and you are able to talk about them with a trusted counselor, you will be able to combat the lies with the truth. Whatever it is you believed that caused you to submit to the monster/monsters in your life can have its power taken away as you recognize the truth, and so, realize your power to be safe in the present. The past will eventually have less hold. I hope you are able to find your way, and get relief soon.