Living according to your own nature and wisdom too
living according to your own nature is important
but it's also important to see the wisdom of the path
you are charting and the choices you are making.
living according to your own nature though is crucial
because it's satisfying yet it is a bit like wandering down the path
of your own dimension.
I wrote this to my therapist this morning,
Hi M, things are good though feeling kind of lost. It seems like when I’m free to make choices, I look for a problem to grapple with, a distraction, instead, it's like a chew toy, I tend to not know which direction to go in life and I want to do right and so I ruminate.
I’ve broken down for myself that ‘life is about taking care of life and keeping it going.’
Last night I was so ‘at one’ with my room and my mind I felt trapped with the inability to go for anything. I couldn’t imagine or sense what was the right direction or even what pleasure that would be ‘appropriate’ as my mom used to say so often. Typical me, frozen in place. I know my mom was highly attuned to the structure of her environment and in general, people, we all seize on societal or social or even religious things to find our structure and reassurances. The sisters have really taught me a lot.
The nuns can be b*tches but they also have true grit for living with their relationship with God and their spiritual compass (up against each one who is tougher than the next.) And doing their work!!!
I find myself also perhaps understanding my place in this life here, how I came to it and how my personal journey for structure is mirrored by the nuns and their grapple with structure and knowing. My friend too, who I realized too and admitted to her last night that we are both so alike in how we live our lives, I said to her.
I find myself also perhaps understanding my place in this life here, how I came to it and how my personal journey for structure is mirrored by the nuns and their grapple with structure and knowing. My friend too, who I realized too and admitted to her last night that we are both so alike in how we live our lives, I said to her.
So maybe at moments like these, of being frozen in the moment, maybe I can disarm the power of it by interjecting the thought of MY personal nature as well as my sense of wisdom about life. It frees me up to feel the agency to live my life and make a step forward….into the unknown and beyond!
Thanks for reading.
Replies
When you get to this point, of recognizing who and where you are, and where you may not be yet, I think that is a step forward!
We don't have to make gigantic steps to be moving forward.
Since my antipsychotic nearly 9 years ago now, I have stabilized.
But I think back to the times when I was not moving Forward - the times when I was homeless - and realized the reason I Wanted to be homeless is because I wanted Zero Responsibility in life.
I just couldn't deal with being accountable for bills, family, job, etc. I bottomed out, but that last time began my journey Forward, for once. And I kept on the path, slowly but surely..
You'll find your path, Mark, even as you are already walking on it!
Thank GT!!
In my opinion, the work isn’t in finding a perfect path, because one doesn't exist. There will always be unexpected twists and turns, even if your choices feel completely right at the time.
I believe it's about building tolerance for choosing while uncertain, and seeing that most of the time, nothing seriously bad happens when you do.
It feels harder when mental health issues are part of the picture. Does contemplating a big life change or grand idea mean I'm manic? Will I be able to handle this new adventure when I'm depressed?
Maybe the question isn't whether it's the right decision for every aspect of you. Maybe it's whether it's a manageable next step that you can support yourself through. You've proven you're strong and capable of handling difficult times and ornery people.
You don't have to plan the rest of your life. You can make one single choice that feels right and adjust as you go.
The best thing to do when you feel stuck is to just do. : )
Hugs.
Thanks Judy!!