Little sleep and still going.
Well, in the past 48 hours, I've had maybe 9 hours sleep. I don't feel sleepy at all. I got used to this when I was still living with the ex hubby. I used to have to sleep with one eye open and I went days without good sleep. I'm well.. want to go somewhere but not enough money for gas til payday. I can't go outside. Although it's another state, I still remember the insults that my former neighbors used to shout over at me. It hurt so much. Yes, I know I'm way overweight, but... I do have some good qualities. I must as my cats wouldn't love me like they do if I was a bad person. I don't know what I would do if I lost the cats, especially Smokey. He snuggles with me. The days I think the world would be better off without me, he seems to sense it and will come snuggle. As he doesn't go near other people, he would have to be put down if I was gone. I don't want that. It hurts me greatly anytime I hear of an animal being put down for no valid reason. If they are in pain or ill where they can't recover, that's one thing as it's mercy. He's the only one who loves me without question or judgment. The other cat isn't quite as close to me, more friendly and outgoing. There are times I wish I could be friendly and outgoing. I used to fake being such, but living a lie bugged me. I actually dropped a therapist who told me to fake it til I made it. I hate lies and I couldn't do it. She didn't seem to understand that I had to be 'bubbly bouncy' at work. That took a lot of energy and I think that was part of the problem with working. I would have huge panic attacks leaving the house before work because I would know I had to put on an act. I'm on SSDI now but, the panic attacks still happen when I leave the house. I have to stay in the house where it's safe. After all the abuse and ridicule I've been through in my life, it's safer to stay home. No, I don't clean the house because that keeps people away. I don't want people around me... but yet, I do. I feel so lost. It's lonely as the cats don't carry on conversations more than 'meow'. I miss being held and I miss being someone. I'm a nobody.