Little (or not) crush

So I have this crush. He's nice, sweet, handsome, and what I want in a guy. Well, except that he's a normie, or maybe "one of us". I can't tell from here. He lives in Philly, and I know that if I go to meet him or if he comes to meet me, he will want to drink and use. It's not a big temptation for me, since my stepdad and his friends drink and use around me all the time, and there's alcohol in the house I live in. I've gotten used to living with it. I go over a friend's house who smokes pot when I'm there, and the only time I feel like drinking is when I'm out socially (which is strange, since I'm a solo drinker). I have FOMO, I guess. My sponsor told me to talk to God about this guy, and I've been *telling* God about this guy instead. So this journal is a way of me talking to God about him. I don't know what's going to come out. I shared in a meeting tonight about him, and my feelings for him have been getting stronger. He and I have been flirting back and forth, but he doesn't know that I like him yet. I have been waiting to tell him because now is not a good time for him (it's the anniversary of his husband's death on Saturday). So it's not a good time for me to spring on him that I like him. Also, I'm in an episode, so I'm not the most mentally stable, either. I know I'm still going to like him when it's over, but I don't have as much self-control as I would normally, so I want to make sure that when I do tell him I like him, I'm coming from a rational point of mind. I've been good about my out-of-control behaviors lately, so that's good, but I know I'm still in an episode. 

Well, I have *two* crushes. I also like this girl (woman). She's very pretty, smart, charming, all of it. I'm poly, but never been in a poly relationship. The guy I like can also be poly and I know this, but I don't know about her. I don't know how to go about finding out. I've been casually flirting with her, too, but not as much as with him. She lives a lot closer to me (about an hour away), and I've met her in person. I also have not told her that I like her for the same reasons. She is also a normie, and when we were out to a dinner together she had 2 (only 2?) small glasses of wine at an open bar. For me, even though I would have to drive home, had I not been sober, I would have been hitting the bar for glass after glass until I was cut off. She may have "figured out" I am not a normie because I kinda joked to someone else about getting a DUI. That's not the kind of joke that a normie makes, and I forget these things because I spend so much time in the rooms. 

Anyways, to my Higher Power. I know that I have no control over these things. I have no control over people, places, things, alcohol, or drugs. I want to be in a relationship, but I want that relationship to honor you. I don't know if either (or both) of these people will do that. I am willing to sacrifice them to you, and my desires, if I have to. I do not want to, but I am willing to. I want a healthy relationship (or relationships). I want one of love and self-control, and I know I don't have that now. They "say" you're supposed to wait a year until you get into a relationship, and I have 7 and a half months. I had almost 21 months before that (with a 2 day slip), I have 4.5 years in another program, but a week in another. I just know that if I follow the "year rule" for every program I'm in, then I'm never going to be in a relationship because I'm going to be joining 12 step after 12 step for the rest of my life. I need *all* of them. My sponsor says that if I'm only in one 12 step program I'm kidding myself. 

The quality of this sobriety is different. My last one, the 21 months, was not good. I was an egg, waiting to crack. I cracked, and now I'm open and willing to do what my Higher Power wants. If I need to sacrifice these relationships, I will. I don't (at this point) feel called to do that, but I also know that I could be full of self-will. I am not beyond thinking I know best. My best thinking got me to the rooms. My Higher Power has restored me to sanity, and I never thought that would be possible. For a man like me, with so much mental illness, to say I've been restored to sanity is amazing. My Higher Power is strong, and has never left me or let me down. I just need to be willing to listen to them and open to what they have to say.