Like a Sick Banana Slug...
Now the polar opposite of the 'freight train' now that I have dropped deeply, quickly into depression. Just existing is painful. I try to distract myself, walk, watch TV. But I am so easily frustrated with simple tasks problems or cannot even engage in TV like the Beverly Hillbillys. I walk and that was ok but eventually the thoughts of failure zoom in and I am gritting my teeth or swearing out loud(I feel like one of the those mentally ill street people sometimes...so sad for them). I know the drill, sleep exercise and meds. Made an appt with pdoc soon but sometimes I feel I am just paying to express my suffering to someone. Whe is very good in therapy and she has many more drugs to try. But I have been through and through this. It feels so hopeless. So many meds and not many magic drugs left in the arsenal. She want to mix more and more then and it just makes my mind go loopy. I want to just walk away from it all, but where would I even go? What would I do? I have tried travel for escapism but it is waning. It is a very temporary fix. I have a job, a family, a kid in college soon to pay for. How does one say 'ENOUGH'! I would surely lose my job, if not now, soon. Especially in these times. I want the magic answer. the person who can say just the right thing. I want to get drunk, to have sex, to get on an airplane, to what. To tear out my yard and put in all rock. To sleep, that is the only reasonable escape...so I do that. Then the antidepressants kick in and I cannot sleep and I pep up....then I can't believe I felt this bad. Then it starts all over a freaking over again. Do I really want to go camping again, or running or have a picnic on a beautiful day, see another movie, bbq something, hike to some waterfall, see another superbowl, world series or caribbean island, learn more piano, attend a business meeting, stress over arbitary schedules, buy a new car, find a great trip, find a great restaurant, take the perfect picture, listen to news talking about life's crap and pundits talking about the crap to come, do I have to paint the house again, buy a new mattress, pillow, towels, replace the dishwasher, repair the sprinkler system.....just crap, crap, crap... Do I want to get 'up' to do all these things and then crash back 'down' to be in pain just considering them again(like now) ? I dunno, maybe I am at a turning point, a breaking point. I don't want to end up like one of those people sitting at their desk miserably crying and babbling. But I feel so helpless to do anything about it so I just trudge on through life....doing time. You know I spent all my life not saying how I really feel. I am sorry if this is a bummer and you will probably avoid me now... another lost cause...
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no not found, non one will ever avoid you...we are all in this together brother...and sometimes, and sometimes even more oftenn than sometimes it really sucks you know, it is a monster of an illness we have...but you know what, we have to battle the damn beast just the same notfound...we cannot let it swallow us...so battle it we must, .....and we are all here to help carry eachother, when we need to be carried, you know, and to just listen to eachother, and hear eachother\'s pain......you know...there are some right meds for you notfound...there simply is a right combo of meds for you, so don\'t give up on that...and did i tell you about the b vitamins? i think i did, well if i didn\'t then here you go: i read this article in this natural health handbook i have..it said that we bp\'s have a very difficult time absorbing B vitamins...we do not absorb them like other people...and B vitamins combat depression and anxiety...it said if we take them at high doses, they have a lithium like effect on our brains...and really help us battle the depression and anxiety...it calls for 100mg of each of the B vitamins, 3 times a day...so you would buy seperate bottles of each B vitamin....you know...hey, it\'s worth a try, i have not bought them yet..but the next time i feel that darkness breathing down my neck, i will be out there as quick as you can say jack russell buying some, hey , we need all the help we can get you know....i have it in my hand now, i just went and grabbed the book..it also said that we should take a free-form amino acid complex , it suggests Amino Balance from Anabol Naturals...it says they provide protein for normal brain function and combats depression. It also suggests L Tyrosine, 500mg twice during the day and again at bedtime, take with water or juice on an empty stomach, do not take with milk and it says to take with 50mg of b6 and 100 mg of vitamin C for better absorption., it says this is important in treating depression and stabelizes mood swings. it also says not to take this supplement if you are on a MAO inhibitor drug..so you\'d have to check with your pdoc before taking. It also suggests Taurine, 500mg 3 times a day on an empty stomach...it says deficiency can result in hyperactivity, anxiety, and poor bran function. then it lists the B\'s like i told you...and then last but not least it lists zinc, 50mg daily...it says not to exceed 100mg daily from all supplements.(of the zinc).....also it mentions this stuff called 5HTP...it increases the bodies production of saratonin...but it says not to take this if you are on an anti-depressant. (take as prescribed on label).anyway notfound..maybe you might want to try some or all of these things.....anything to get releif from depression..you know...it is so debilitating...and terrible...and when i get depressed, i really go down to that black, beyond black, frightening, terrible, hellish place...and it is the worst thing in the world...really, i wouldn\'t wish it on anyone....it is so scary and loveless...and words can\'t even describe that place really...anyway..i just want to see you feel better notfound....no one deserves to feel these ways you know...it\'s so terrible..but it is an illness of the mind...so it is so important for the chemicals in the brain to be just right you know, and with the right meds, and perhaps some of the above supplements....and you know the drill about the rest and such.....and don\'t forget humor...you like family guy right...that will make you laugh for sure....especially if you are just feeling a little bit better..sit down and watch a few episodes...!!!! it always makes me lmao!!!...and if you keep laughing notfound...really , it is magical..i think it is just as magical as the right meds...really!!!!...except it is a different kind of magical you know..it is like a soul magical...and that is really magical! I did not see the rest of the shows you like...but another one on HBO, which i do not have here but my brother has it is called, \"curb your enthusiasm\"..it is funny as hell...you may have seen it before..i don\'t know..but it is a kind of reality show, but not a reality show really on the guy who wrote Seinfeld....i\'m blanking out on his name right now...but it is really funny shit..and i think you may like it!!!...anyway notfound..i do hope you feel better soon.....i do hope you an enjoy camping this summer, and hiking to waterfalls you know...and doing projects around your house...and really enjoy it and enjoy the camping and such with your family...i know this life sometimes seems unbearable with what we have you know...but then there are times that it is beautiful you know...and we just need to try to take these moments...and embrace them and be thankful for them...i know it\'s hard to even think this way when we\'re leaning towards depression or are in it...it is impossible actually, but around the bed the sun is waiting for you notfound....and the moments..you know, because i realize after all these years, there is not such thing as \"happiness\' you know, i think it is about the moments you know, i really do..even for the normal people out there....anyway..i wish you some beautiful moments notfound...very soon, i send you a big hug...love, maggie