Like a Sick Banana Slug...

Now the polar opposite of the 'freight train' now that I have dropped deeply, quickly into depression.   Just existing is painful.  I try to distract myself, walk, watch TV. But I am so easily frustrated with simple tasks problems or cannot even engage in TV like the Beverly Hillbillys.   I walk and that was ok but eventually the thoughts of failure zoom in and I am gritting my teeth or swearing out loud(I feel like one of the those mentally ill street people sometimes...so sad for them).   I know the drill, sleep exercise and meds.  Made an appt with pdoc soon but sometimes I feel I am just paying to express my suffering to someone.  Whe is very good in therapy and she has many more drugs to try. But I have been through and through this.  It feels so hopeless.  So many meds and not many magic drugs left in the arsenal.  She want to mix more and more then and it just makes my mind go loopy.  I want to just walk away from it all, but where would I even go?  What would I do?  I have tried travel for escapism but it is waning.  It is a very temporary fix.  I have a job, a family, a kid in college soon to pay for.  How does one say 'ENOUGH'!   I would surely lose my job, if not now, soon.  Especially in these times.     I want the magic answer. the person who can say just the right thing.  I want to get drunk, to have sex, to get on an airplane, to what.  To tear out my yard and put in all rock.  To sleep, that is the only reasonable escape...so I do that.  Then the antidepressants kick in and I cannot sleep and I pep up....then I can't believe I felt this bad.   Then it starts all over a freaking over again.   Do I really want to go camping again, or running or have a picnic on a beautiful day, see another movie, bbq something,  hike to some waterfall, see another superbowl, world series or caribbean island, learn more piano, attend a business meeting, stress over arbitary schedules, buy a new car, find a great trip, find a great restaurant, take the perfect picture, listen to news talking about life's crap and pundits talking about the crap to come,  do I have to paint the house again, buy a new mattress, pillow, towels,  replace the dishwasher, repair the sprinkler system.....just crap, crap, crap...  Do I want to get 'up' to do all these things and then crash back 'down' to be in pain just considering them again(like now) ? I dunno, maybe I am at a turning point, a breaking point.  I don't want to end up like one of those people sitting at their desk miserably crying and babbling.   But I feel so helpless to do anything about it so I just trudge on through life....doing time. You know I spent all my life not saying how I really feel.  I am sorry if this is a bummer and you will probably avoid me now... another lost cause...