Life’s good
I wrote this to my doc
guess I should tell you how I reacted to stuff today - it probably won't come as any surprise because I think
you know the dynamic within me.
I woke up - and got down to chapel. I did the work of getting chapel ready - i felt nervous and insecure (with gnawing sense that I was disliked )
and so the result was a retiring attitude from the work
but did it anyway - I knew I would get into it - eventually I thought to myself - I don't want to be lazy - and I want
to fight against those feelings of insecurity which make ANY move forward something I shy away from -
just managing my feelings is not enough - and so I am trying to break the cycle of getting lost in doing ONLY THAT- managing feelings
anyways- they had me serve so much, most of liturgy today - I had a fellow priest there guiding me- I had to wear the full vestments
dress myself ( so complicated clothes) and then say the prayers behind the iconostasis in call and response with the choir
prepare the communion and serve the communion - matins and liturgy ...done!
I know 'practice will make perfect' if just in anyways the fact that it's not 'perfect but just better' that's fine too - I know I am not that kind of person
who puts a lot of stock in perfect performance - it's a matter of my nature to be sloppy because I am variable -
and also just a product of how I am in the world.
After serving the liturgy and saying all the prayers and delivering communion to the elder and folks - which was an honor -
I know - I was telling myself over and over that this is an honor - and I was variable the whole time it was all happening
and it is all growing on me - the faces of the parishioners look at you with such light and inspiration - it really makes you feel good that
you serve a good purpose!
i then went to the morning meal - they sat me at the head table - and I am now being given certain privileges
the head nun is serving me and my needs when it comes to food. Wild. I said
the prayers before and after meal.
I have to also say - I didn't saw the prayers perfectly at the beginning and ending of the meal- and I saw
a dirty look by one of the nuns - who are really into perfection and I think and i know to put that into perspective
that THAT is her -and her passions and her limitation in her own faith- seriously I can't take on that kind of stuff - but it
does make me feel that there are a bunch here who won't like the way I am a priest -
and that is something I am trying to be ok with. I guess it's a matter of the story of life- I know there are some here who like
me - and so we're on each others' team. Some not so much.
Our family just zoomed and I felt unable to just relate to them very well - but I didn't take it on personally - but I was so relaxed in all of it how I felt about
my nature and not being perfect and such and so I just saw that I was there to watch them and listen to their
experiences - food and travel and stuff like that - and I didn't have much to contribute and when I did have something to add -
I felt I kind of sucked the oxygen out of the room - you could hear crickets metaphorically and I fear that I really want too much attention
from them in general -
but I am learning to look past that and just relax with it all - and try to be humble and accept that my life is for me- and I need to nurture
and cultivate that -
I feel like this time away with the last monastery kind of changed me - I feel like I am going down my own road in life that is different -
and it's a struggle to feel like I am not changing -and growing away from my family - or just have different things
to talk about - that may not be the best entertaining stuff - and essentially other -
Ah well - I will take pleasure in Blue - and the work I need to get done and what we do here online - and so on.
Life's not bad - but perhaps my own vantage on idealizing how things should be within my family or workplace
or even within myself is something to manage,
Replies
I think I’m starting to hold two ideas in my mind. One that is for what I want and one for how things are. I can’t be blinded always with some notion of what I hope for
The sweetness in life i cannot take for granted or let go unnoticed. Those people and things I want to cherish . I can see people holding their pain and also the hope. I see how individuals deal with that too. I’m trying.
Some just block it all out,
Big hug sweetie...There is no perfection in this world
All we can do is rhe best that we can
We hope and do our best
Be kind and gentle to you Marky
You deserve it sweetie....
Big hug....xo
Thanks Janet!!I think I often think I’ll deserve things I want when I get better. Thanks for reminding me of good things.