Life Update
I usually start these journals without a clear direction in mind, just a goal. I want to get something built up off my chest. When I begin feeling that lack of motivation, annoyance with life, exhaustion, desire to just let things be and not try, I know something is wrong. And if I let it continue, I fall into a deep depression. That’s how it’s always been.
But it’s hard to reach out at that critical point where I still can without sounding absolutely ridiculous, emotional, drowning in bad thoughts. That’s what I’m trying to do today.
I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been adding my own negativity to the spewer pool lately, which most people wouldn’t give a thought to but I hate. Contributing to that disgusting trend is just.. **shudder**. Too many people have things to complain about. I feel on the inside that I want to be different, encouraging, the one with advice and enough perspective to see the good side. I don’t always follow through with my actions, though I try. The fact that I’ve gotten to the point where I spew more negativity myself means something is wrong.
My social anxiety(? I feel like that term is overused but lets just call it that) has been acting up again! A couple days ago I could brush off a mistake in my speech and forget about small misdemeanors easily. Now they stick in my head like a fly in tar. It’s made me feel terrified and vulnerable, which I hate!
And to whatever is wrong, I know exhaustion has a part. Juggling four AP classes, yearbook, and clubs and art class and personal art and so on leaves me anxious, though I try not to make it thay way. Lately I’ve had to stay up to get everything done. Every class I take is so intense, I switch from one topic to the next before my brain can comprehend them, before I can remember or invest fully into anything. It’s all too much, too much stimuli, too many expectation. I keep wondering if I could go back now and change my classes but it’s much too late. The best I can do is try to handle my anxiety.
WHICH MEANTS THIS ISNT THE BEST TIME TO RUN OUT OF ANXIETY MEDICATION! Suddenly! I know my old doctor, who didnmt really listen to me, probably wouldn’t prescribe more. Which leads to the question if I should mention this to my parents and find a new doctor or even a therapist. But last time my mom just encouraged me to basically handle it on my own because I’m too busy! Yeah right, school is more important than my basic happiness and mental health (I say this sarcastically.) Learning about the French and Indian War, the definition of a Newton, how to find derivatives, are so much more important... yeah right! Anyway I’m already scared of what running out of medication will mean. I’ve already forgotten to take it a bunch of times and reexperienced anxiety attacks. Now I’m completely out, without warning. Which is just.. delightful. I’d already been forgetting to take it for a bunch of days beforehand though, so maybe that will soften to blow. I’m not going completely cold turkey.
Sigh.. I’ve already said a lot. So what’s nice about life right now? I’ve been able to go over to the boyfriend’s twice a week this year, which can be stressful with all the work but also nice. I’ve been joining (and actualky staying in) clubs that I like and meeting new people. Not clubs that I join because it’ll “look good on my college application” either! Clubs I’m just trying out, subjects I’ve never known, where I go to learn or just have fun. I love the nerds at D&D club (dungeons and dragons, that role playing game with weird dice and figurines) for example.
And before this depressiveness started up again I was enjoying yearbook too, because I felt like I had power and because I was forced out of my comfort zone into talking to people, asking people, pestering people, finding people. I simply cannot be shy in this situation. I feel obligated to come out with a final product that I tried on, and hopefully turns out amazing.
Lately I’ve been wanting to explore new mediums in art, like Tshirt design and animation. It’s been scaryish but also exciting to see how things turn out. I’ve been wanting to sing too, and record it. Maybe try a capella.
Anyway life has been trooping along like always. Its almost 9:00 pm now and I’m halfway done with an art assignment due tomorrow haha, wish me luck. Luckily I took a long nap beforehand.
Replies
No, no! You can't run out of anti-anxiety med! That's a big deal. You can just stop it abruptly or bad things happen. Please, get that dealt with right away! I'm really sorry to hear about all the stress you are under. Try to rest with your eyes closed and breathe sometimes. Love you, girl.
do u take the anti anxiety meds to sleep? because either way chamomile tea is really calming on the nerves, u can drink it during the day as well if u feel an anxiety attack, just as a buffer for a day or so until u get to the dr- u need to make an apt, because withdrawal off the meds can have side effects, I know u were on a low dose/ but even still - I wouldnt chance it- plus it has psychological side effects, just the thought of the safety blanket being removed in case u need it, causes one to panic. As far as your mom goes, I wouldnt pose the conversation as a question, I would make it as a statement. In other words, you make the apt with your dr and TELL her after u make the call, i have an apt on friday at such and such time, in this case u reclaim your power, and reassert your needs, she doesnt understand 'reason', she doesnt understand your need for the medicine or your life for that matter, so at this point, just give her the facts like in a very matter of fact manner, do not position yourself subordinate- I know this is hard to imagine given u are 16 etc, but u have stood up to her in the past, u can do this, This is your health, u have so much on your plate, and this is what needs to be done. Do it.