life update...

hello,

where to start?  how about, how are you?  are you hanging in there?  are you getting enough rest, good food.......?  are you alright?

i'm overwhelmed.  trying to sit here and sort it all out.

darling grandpa passed away early wednesday morning........about a week shy of his 93rd birthday.  grandpa has always been a larger than life character........a preacher, a teacher, a husband, a father.......a memoriable man.  i am going to see grandma today after my ultrasound.  have brownies in the oven and rice crispy treats cooling in the frig to take to the house........it will be a busy, happy, sad......time for the family, for sweet grandma.

when her oldest son told her grandpa had passed, she took it very well.......then she napped awhile, when she woke up she asked how grandpa was doing today and they had to tell her he had passed away all over again. 

let's pray for grandma, for this family......please and thank you so much!

another spot opened up for my sister in the program.  but she didn't have quite enough money to get in, so her case worker appealed to me for the money.  i promptly said yes, but wonder if my siblings can help me cover the gap?  i hate to talk money for something like this, but i am a nonworking disabled sibling, so i feel that i have to or my son will have a talk with me.  "Mom, you can't earn any more money, you have to be very carefu"........ and others things like that.

Sam & Sara's Dad needed to be in and out yesterday.......linda was in for awhile and derek gets back from europe today so yesterday they were short handed.  i answered phones......fought exhaustion, shivers and swollen glands.  walking like a penguin again.......overdoing it shows.  wanted to visit grandma last night......she is the most loving person i have ever known.......she teaches us all just by being herself. 

.....but i knew i wouldn't be able to drive myself to the ultrasound today if i went to see her last night.......so i came home and that's when i was hit by the long frantic message from carol's case worker.........i was so hungry i was shaking.......and i had two loads of wet laundry.  not that you need to know that but i was feeling discombulated.....stressed.

i also had a message from carol.......this all led to being on hold with the arizona credit union for more than a half hour.........i have no credit union affiliations so the end result is that i couldn't transfer funds from my acccount to hers directly with them.  so i am waiting for my bank to open to see what they can do.....and how soon.  she will lose her spot today if i can't come through.

praying about it.........pretending not to stress.  it's a lie, i am stressed.

somewhere yesterday i had some crying time......when sara called to break the news........on the way in to the office, throughout the morning.......and i am not a pretty crier.  no singular tear gently sliding down porcelain skin......oh no, i am blotchy, red nosed......and sound like a posse of zoo critters every time i blow my non delicate rudolph nose.......crying exhausts me to no end.  something chronically ill people can't sustain for long......it's just too hard on the body. 

but at some point the tears quieted........i was doing better and then sam walked up and gave me one of his world famous amazing hugs.  he stands so tall and wraps his strong arms around me.......and just holds a body in this unwavering enduring hug.......for as long as you need.  he is quiet and wonderful......and i am so proud of him. 

so much rolling around in my head......linda was there  yesterday......she said the reader's digests were a big hit with all of them at the hospital.  they liked all the ones i put in the basket, but the digests were the best.......good for the whole family.  so i looked everywhere for my digest stash and can't find any.  i must have donated them to a doctor office or something.......or hidden them from myself.  but maybe they will turn up.......they read to Carrie, and the stories are short enough but always interesting and offer a brief respite from the hospital tubes and surroundings..........it makes them feel like they are family as they read these articles.  what a small blessing that is.........linda looks like she has aged years overnight.  pray for her, for her daughter, for her family......for her doctors and nurses......thank you!

i talked to carol but tried to keep it short.......here comes a moment of TMI from me live and direct from the south........my tummy was cramping, i was "running" to the bathroom and i had to yell at carol for a sec to get her to hear me.........she is a bigger talker than anyone in our family......when she is talking she can't hear anyone else.  she is so into what she is saying.......so i had to yell out stop, i'm gonna have an accident, hang up sunshine........and she said "OHHHHH!" and hung up.

i think we were both astonished (at my outburst) and then later i sat there and found myself giggling........our bodies really do run the show......!

.......i dried the laundry and ate dinner and shivered and knew that bed was the only thing ......so i went to bed.  i remember the phone ringing late at night, but i couldnl't rouse myself to get up..........then i woke at 4 pm and have been up ever since.  feels like i am running on adrenalin.....worry and so on.  the phone call was from my brother......dan in michigan.  he is going to be the subject of a big meeting today at 9 am.  with the hospital where he is staying.  it's a big bad mess........he didn't get his medicaid filed in time......there is a big bill.  he has panic attacks, OCD, is bipolar and has a lot of physical illness on top of all that.  when he tries to do paperwork, pay bills and so forth he gets so anxious and then the panic attack hits and he loses it.  he can't do a lot of these things on his own anymore........so this is no small deal.  medicare pays for so long and then medicaid is the back up payee, it's very important not to let that lapse......but he did and it's as i say a mess.  dan never let any of us know what was going on about these kinds of things so we have been in the dark........they do give him an advocate to help but at some point some of the responsibiity falls to him to handle and he couldn't handle it......

they want to discharge him and he isn't even well enough to safely walk on his own unaided........this is not going to go well.  everything in my gut tells me this is a big scary problem, dan asked me to pray........and to let the family know.  so......

i sent a text to donna and told her i was going to send a detailed e mail to her, to our brother john and his wife eser.........while i'm doing this i get a text from donna.  she is being prepped for surgery.  i knew she was having surgery but i had forgotten that it was this month, this week............this day.  yikes.........too much happening........told her to be a good patient and mind the doc, etc........

feel alone with too much to think about......sorry, family means responsibilities and we all need to shoulder our share.  it's just so hard........i am lucky to have things to complain about.......and memories of Grandpa keep dancing through my head.

the first time i met him i was very pregnant with sam.  about a month away from his birthday and here comes Grandpa........he was so handsome, always reminded me of Clint Eastwood somehow.........strong, capable, charming......

and tall.......and we, his son and i were poor as church mice........very little to call our own in a little rental house that leaned.  literally leaned, the doors and cupboards all fell ajar at the exact same slant.......it was a kooky little house.......but anyway........we scrambled to buy an extra long twin bed and linens to accomodate Grandpa's visit.  he was so sweet......welcomed me to the family no holds barred.  i found out later that he told the family that i was very smart and classy.......and poised.  what a loving endorsement to a nervous pregnant young woman afraid of not being enough for her new family.......and to meet for the first time pregnant was well......it was hard.  and then there were all those hormones running rampant......but he made everything so smooth and good.  grandpa was a real gentleman.......a sweetheart.

the bank opens in fifteen minutes, i am so thirsty........i keep drinking water but it's not alleviating the dry mouth issue.  i'm  gonna have a big bad flare, i can feel it already heading down the train tracks.  i believe i will have just enough adrenaline to make it through this week end........through the funeral but then i will be upside down or downside up.

the trash is at the curb, good.  dishes are done. good. laundry done. good. i am clean and shiny.....good.  the almond chocolate brownies are cooling as are the old fashioned rice crispy treats.........to take to Grandma's house.  and i mixed up some leftover roast with bbq sauce and some left over baked beans to take to sam for his dinner.  not sure how i will get that food to him.......and i also made some fresh corn on the cob.  i know he will be working late tonight due to all the interruptions and family things.........so maybe i can drop the food off on my way back from grandma's.  if i am still alert enough to drive that far........

praying for the strength needed to be present and in care of others.  to get out of my own way, to lose that ever present sense of me,me, me and be there first and foremost for Grandma, for my children......for the family.....to remain calm and tear free while talking to grandma.......she is frail alnd needs us to be lovingly calm and there with her. 

the batteries came in the mail so my landline phone is recharging..........yay.  i am really tired and wired.........when i fallover i will be sleeping for awhile ......laid up and conked out.  ......if a penguin and a duck had a human baby that walked it would be me.  i am walking wonkily along.........the pain in my leg is not as bad today.  guess we'll find out if there is a baker's cyst or a clot today.........

are you as tired as i am?  pray for all the above and know how much i believe in the power of your prayers..........prayer is a strong unbreakable bond between our rolling blue marble and He Who Sits on High...........love you thisssssssssssss much.  is DS any better?  praying that it will become better..........