Life, it just keeps going....
Work is so tough right now....endless lists of things that need doing, overwhelming
I was shocked to hear a fello worker comment on how efficient she felt I was!
When I feel like I'm sinking
I was shocked to hear that my bully boss had told someone she thought my marketing strategies were brilliant
When I feel terrified of her
I was shocked to hear a member of staff remark on me being 'young and attractive'
When I feel , well 'not' that!
My niece has code words that we use on the telephone
She said it's a bit 'blue' (not bad) at my sisters but she can manage
She sounds okay actually, safe
And her mum is calming down
It worked..moving her there
My best friend started to cry when I told her all that happened (previous journal)
She's known me 25 years
She just cried 'why does no one in your family love you the right way?'
And strangely, I found myself trying to sooth her
Hmmmm
I went out to a concert last night 'ruby turner' do YouTube
She was amazing
And I felt 'reborn'
I went to my 'supper club' tonight
And found myself talking about going abroad
So bored am I
So bored
I need diverse people
People who live in different ways
Not 'washing the car on sunday'
Not 'mowing the lawn on saturday'
I need cosmopolitan life....I need to be born all over again
Money....
It truly means nothing
Xx
I was shocked to hear a fello worker comment on how efficient she felt I was!
When I feel like I'm sinking
I was shocked to hear that my bully boss had told someone she thought my marketing strategies were brilliant
When I feel terrified of her
I was shocked to hear a member of staff remark on me being 'young and attractive'
When I feel , well 'not' that!
My niece has code words that we use on the telephone
She said it's a bit 'blue' (not bad) at my sisters but she can manage
She sounds okay actually, safe
And her mum is calming down
It worked..moving her there
My best friend started to cry when I told her all that happened (previous journal)
She's known me 25 years
She just cried 'why does no one in your family love you the right way?'
And strangely, I found myself trying to sooth her
Hmmmm
I went out to a concert last night 'ruby turner' do YouTube
She was amazing
And I felt 'reborn'
I went to my 'supper club' tonight
And found myself talking about going abroad
So bored am I
So bored
I need diverse people
People who live in different ways
Not 'washing the car on sunday'
Not 'mowing the lawn on saturday'
I need cosmopolitan life....I need to be born all over again
Money....
It truly means nothing
Xx
Replies
Hi tgb...sounds like your coworkers are saying appreciative things to and about you...sounds really good. sounds like you don\'t totally believe them. I try, when I hear a compliment, to just take it in and feel good about it and not overthink about it....just enjoy the moment,appreciate the thought inside. Also sounds very muchlike you are saying you need some spontenaiety in your life these days...I think we all need some spontenaiety, keeps things fun.
(((hugs)))
xxx
It\'s noticeable that when you hear yourself described in positive terms, you don\'t recognise that as being \'you.\' It actually shocks you. But you must trust in the views of your peers. Wipe away that negative sense of self with reality-you are strong- intelligent and attractive. Please give yourself the credit you deserve.
Interesting too, that you found it easier to soothe your friend in her reaction to your family\'s treatment of you. Again, being selfless, you comfort her because she is upset by it. What about you, gobetween? Now is the time to nurture your inner child. xxxxx
I had a therapist once who said: \"Amy, your perception of others is Spot On; However, your perception of yourself is Skewed!\"
And so, remember how you keep telling me all these things that you sincerely meant (unless you were lying or trying to please me?): \"Amy, you\'re so smart, you\'re so talented, you\'re pretty, you\'re funny...\"
And you know, I don\'t believe any of that?
But yet, would I call you a liar? Or are you just being uber nice to me? Or are you sincere in your belief? In which case, is what you say Accurate? Why do I continue to invalidate it, if it\'s true?
And so, these people say of you: \"You are Efficient. You are Young and Attractive. Your Marketing Strategies are Brilliant!\"
And yet, you negate them with your fears and are \"Shocked\": When you feel you are sinking, when you feel intimidated & frightened by your Boss, when you don\'t feel attractive.
And so, perhaps your Self-Perception is just Slightly Skewed, as Mine is?
Perhaps we need to \"Slightly\" admit that: \"yes I am Efficient (even though I feel overwhelmed); yes I am Brilliant at Marketing Strategies (even though I feel cowed by the supervisor\'s presence); yes I am young and attractive (even if I forgot to brush my teeth today -- LOL).
Look, No one else is going to do it for us. We try, here, at DS. And certainly, the Validation is Healing and Helping. But eventually, we have to also take it in. And No One can do that for us.
My therapist of yore once encouraged me to say \"Thank You\" when someone paid me a compliment. Apparently, I didn\'t know how to receive one. I would just ignore it or dismiss it or make a self-deprecating comment in it\'s place. When I started to say \"Thank You\" -- it felt awkward and I used that phrase to still \"deflect\" the true meaning of the import of their words. \"Thanks!\" sort of like \"yeah, yeah\" and not really taking it in...
What I realized is that most people are too lazy or thoughtless to pay us a compliment (unless they\'re looking to flatter us because they want something from us). . . and so, if someone pays a compliment \"I love your idea!\" -- they mean it. If they compliment your outfit -- they mean it. If they think you\'re attractive, they mean it.
Now if we go fishing: \"Do I look alright?\" -- we sometimes put people on the spot and then they feel obligated to say \"Oh, you look fine!\" because they don\'t want to say something hurtful like \"Well, you got Spinach between your teeth and your eyes are just a tad too close together.\"
LOL ;-)
I thank you for you kind and meaningful words. I am enjoying my writing process here and finding the encouragement helpful ... and making me think about how to take myself seriously as a writer (and how to make a livelihood from it) ... I am giving myself more credit for my intelligence, especially when you all validate me re. how crazy my sister is. In other words: I am starting to listen. I sure listen to all the negative stuff I\'m spoon fed. I take in the criticisms of my daily interactions so readily. So why not allow a little light to come in as well. Even if I don\'t \"feel pretty\" -- and I see all my defects in my mirror. Is there something that I can say feels \"okay\" about me. I do like my eyes. I do like my hair. Actually, I love my hair. I love the color of my eyes. Not bragging. Just trying to admit to myself there are things that I\'m actually Okay Embracing. I\'m not going to sit in front of a mirror and preen. I don\'t think I\'ve got the world\'s greatest eyes or hair. But hey, it\'s mine. And they are gifts. So are my hands, which help me to type all this out. I love my hands.
Code words are really good. I was really suicidal a week or so ago. I scared my Bff badly. So we came up with a code word for when I\'m seriously hurting, but knowing that he doesn\'t have to call the police, either because I\'m not going to actually hurt myself... Code words are really good.
Cosmopolitan people, huh? What? NYC? Diverse People? What? Zimbabwe?
Ah, you sound energized by the concert, the dinner, doing good things for yourself. You are loving yourself -- See? And it\'s okay.
Just because those who are \"Supposed\" to Love Us Treat Us Like Shit, Doesn\'t Mean We Have to Treat Ourselves Like Shit, too!
That\'s the realization I\'ve been working on this week. Who says I have to buy into their particular brand of Malarky?
I found myself saying: \"I\'m Tired of Hurting. This person is hurting me and I cannot tolerate it anymore.\"
And realizing that I\'m also hurting myself, by treating myself just as poorly.
So, does that mean I\'m going to preen and strut around \"Yes I\'m Wonderful!\" Nah.
But it don\'t have to mean that I\'m cruel to myself as well. So? You\'re Intimidated by your Boss. Look into what that Trigger is about. Who is she representing in your life??
And take the compliment about the Brilliant Marketing Strategy. And OWN It. Yes, You Came Up with It. In fact, I think you mentioned this awhile ago -- and felt like it was a good idea. So, it\'s okay to OWN it.
And I knew you were Attractive!!! :-D I\'m jealous that you\'re Young, but you\'re forgiven ;) As they say, you\'re on the right side of 40 LOL
Are things starting to Calm Down at All -- now that you\'ve gone through Hell and Back again??
Yeah, interesting how we can be there for others, but we\'re not there for ourselves. It\'s time to change it up, TGB! It\'s time...
((HUGS))
Schnikes! I wrote a novel! Sorry! :(
Thank you everyone for your words! It\'s not that I don\'t like hearing nice compliments, it\'s more a feeling that I am detached from feeling the essence of it. I seem to have stopped feeling in order to cope with daily life.